dreamers and dream doers

It's the eve before Christmas Eve, and I'm enjoying a nice cup of peppermint hot cocoa, a good book (obviously not at this very moment), and a quiet house.  This week has gone a little differently than I had planned.  I wound up feeling super sick Tuesday night, which turned into being super sick Wednesday and Thursday.  What a start to Christmas break... Anyway, I'm highly optimistic that the next two days will be grand, and that I WILL feel better.  Optimism.

Enough mumbo jumbo; let's get down to brass tacks, shall we? A great and wise friend of mine recently sent me a copy of a book called, "The Alchemist."  I'm not too terribly far into it yet, but I am far enough to know that it's going to be a thinker of a book for me.  And I need that.  Tonight I read a bit as I attempted to sweat out my fever on the bike.  I won't recap the entire chapter, but I'm compelled to paint a brief picture for you.

Two characters emerge:  one, an old merchant/shopkeeper, the other a young shepherd on a quest to follow his dreams.  The old merchant has owned his crystal shop for thirty years, working hard to make his fortune and find success in his village.  The young boy has just sold his flock after a prompting from an old wise man, who encouraged him to follow his dream of seeking the pyramids, no matter the cost.  Crossing the desert would be perilous, tiring, and cost the young boy nearly everything; but his heart is determined to accomplish his dream of reaching the pyramids.  After some prompting from the young shepherd, the old merchant divulges his dream of completing a pilgrimage to Mecca.  He confides in the boy that he opened his shop with the intentions of compiling a fortune large enough to send him comfortably on his journey.  Yet with each passing year, the aging merchant continued to push aside his dream, just outside his grasp, with excuse after excuse.  At one point, the shepherd boy challenges the shopkeeper.

"Well, why don't you go to Mecca now?"  asked the boy.


"Because it's the thought of Mecca that keeps me alive.  That's what helps me face these days that are    all the same.... I'm afraid that if my dream is realized, I'll have no reason to go on living.  You dream about your sheep and the Pyramids, but you're different from me because you want to realize your dreams.  I just want to dream about Mecca. ...I'm afraid that it would all be a disappointment, so I prefer just to dream about it." 

The old merchant's response is so poignant to me.  His fear completely paralyzed him and prevented him from realizing his dream.  Not only that, but his fear changed his personality; it branded him simply a dreamer rather than a dream doer.

And this all got me thinking:  which am I?  Am I simply a dreamer?  Or am I actually realizing dreams?  I'm not so sure that I'm okay with settling for simply dreaming.  I'm not so sure that my soul can actually rest if I fail to at least pursue the realization of dreams.  I don't think that God places dreams in our hearts simply to taunt us with what could be;  something about His character tells me He places dreams in our hearts to be pursued and realized, if only we will trust Him enough to do so.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."   Proverbs 3:5-6

As many times as I've heard/read this verse, it's finally beginning to make more sense to me.  So what about you?  Are you content to just dream, or are you committed to pursuing the realization of the dreams that the Lord has placed in your heart?  I dare you not to settle.

And that's all I've got for you tonight, fine blogging buddies.  Rest well and enjoy this season of celebration.

A Merriest Christmas to you!

baking blitz

What a whirlwind of a weekend, seriously!  Back-to-back-to-back Christmas parties kept this girl up to her elbows in sprinkles and terribly lacking on the sleep scale.  It was such a fun weekend though, full of plenty of laughs and lots of yummy food.

Thursday night began my baking craze and it honestly didn't end until tonight, when I rushed home from  work to decorate some cookies, bake some of my new fave muffins, and put together little treat packets for some special people and some lovely neighbors.  Confession:  I've lived in my house for nearly 3 years and I have yet to meet several of my neighbors.  Embarrassing, I know.  But I figured Christmas would be as good a time as any to show up with a smile and some sugary treats, and exchange introductions and Christmas greetings, right?  At least I hope so...we'll see.  :)

Given all the partying that I've done (partying--ha!) recently and the amounts of goodies that I wanted to share, I baked extensively more than I have in years past.  And I'm thoroughly tired.

The goods:
-Cherry Mash
-Magic Bars
-Pretzels
-Sugar Cookies
-Oreo Truffles
-Pretzels
-Cranberry Almond muffins
-Pretzels
-And more pretzels
-Russian Tea Cakes (I helped my momma with these...definitely a fam tradition!)

The ever important baking supplies...yes I often buy off brand :)

Best muffins of my life.

Sugar cookies waiting for some icing love

Most of the goods turned out wonderfully, but I kind of got off to a rough start with the Cherry Mash and Magic Bars for some reason.  I couldn't get the chocolate to melt right to save my life.  Seriously, it took me 3 batches of chocolate, peanut butter, and evaporated milk to get it to work and I still didn't get it right.  Hmph.  Needless to say, the Cherry Mash is going nowhere.  And then the Magic Bars were supposed to have a graham cracker crust, but apparently, the graham crackers enjoyed too much being stuck to the bottom of the pan.  Is it too late for me to ask Santa for new baking pans?  Hmm..

Anyway, all in all it was a fab weekend.  I have all of my Christmas baking and shopping done.  All that's left to do is deliver the goodies and wrap the remaining gifts.  Oh and then celebrate, of course!  I really do just love Christmas!  Are you all ready for Christmas?  Only 6 more days... :)

I feel like...

...the world's worst blogger.  Seriously.  It's not that I haven't thought about blogging lately.  Oh I've thought about it.  And I've wanted to blog.  But I haven't really had anything super cohesive or life-altering to blog about.  Add to that the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of downtime lately and, thus, we have a sadly unattended blog.  Erg.

So, in case you couldn't tell, this is strictly an obligatory post.  My deepest apologies.  To keep things [somewhat] interesting, I'll share some photos from the last month of my life, which mostly includes birthday happenings and Thanksgiving gatherings.  Do enjoy.

my bday with my sisters <3

pops, me, & momma

the fam

a surprise bday party from some amazing students

cousins scouring black friday ads

grandma & me on thanksgiving/bday

gma & mom: two amazing women

silly cousins & gma

grandma & her girls

carpenter fam

love her smiley eyes

my newly 3-year-old friend 

Well, that's a brief pictorial recap of the recent happenings in my life.  Soon I will write--not just blog, but write.  I promise.  Soon.  Meanwhile, the insides of my eyelids currently beckon.  Until next time.

give thanks.

So it’s Thanksgiving week, and naturally, I’ve been feeling a little sentimental.  Whether it’s too much time spent counting my blessings, or dreading the thought of celebrating another birthday, I’m not sure.  Regardless, I’ve been doing some thinking on the whole idea of “giving thanks.” 

We have been given so much and it's really easy to take it all for granted, especially the busier we get.  God's Word mentions over and over again that we are to give thanks.  Throughout the Psalms and scattered about 1 and 2 Chronicles is the phrase "give thanks."  Each instance gives reasons that we are to express our gratitude to the Lord.  My favorite is 1 Chronicles 16:34 that says, "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for His steadfast love endures forever!"  

Until recently, I'd always thought of the phrase, "Give thanks," as an act that happens between us and God, like telling Him thank you for all that He has done and all that He has given us.  Recently, though, the sheer grammar of the phrase struck me (crazy, I know), and I began to consider the implications of the command.

“To give” is a transitive verb that requires some sort of object following it to complete the thought, whether it’s a direct or indirect object varies depending on the sentence.  It means “to present voluntarily and without expectation.”  Talk about power-packed.  Then “thanks” in this case is a noun functioning as the object in the verb phrase.  “Thanks” is an expression of gratitude or appreciation. 

What if, instead of looking at giving thanks from an egocentric perspective, we considered it as an opportunity to give someone else a reason to be thankful?  What if we rewired our thinking to put someone else’s needs, concerns, even their gratitude before our own? 

How can I literally “give thanks”? 

Just some food for thought...

And now, some thanksgiving entertainment for you, thanks to Abi’s adorable daughter and Daniel’s good humor.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!  

the mood monster

I swear there's a mood monster hiding in the recesses of my heart and making appearances when I least expect it.  Ugh.  I thought I would outgrow that with the teen years... HA.  Oh no, that didn't happen.

Exhibit A:
This morning began beautifully with a wake up text from my dad, letting me know he was praying blessings on me today.  First of all, that was a pleasant and unplanned occurrence.  My dad texts me pretty often, but not generally first thing in the morning, and not generally with a message that catches me as off-guard as this one did.  Needless to say, I was so encouraged (not even annoyed that the text notification woke me up before my alarm) by his words.  Doesn't it just make all the difference to know someone is praying for you?  So good.

The rest of my day went something like this...

• Impromptu staff meeting.  Not a big deal at all, in fact it was necessary, but not planned into my schedule.  Mood:  Optimistic, but feeling slightly challenged by the waning window of time I had to get everything done.  
• Errands all around town causing stress and slight amounts of frustration at the mounting realization that my lunch hour was quickly being sucked dry by figuring fabric dimensions more times than I can recall.  Mood:  Tired and insecure about my fabric (and mathematical) skills.  Erg.  
• Lunch on the go.  Again, not a big deal normally, but for some reason, on Wednesdays this really throws me off.  Mood: Stressed!  Not time to relax and prepare my spirit for worship later.  
• Afternoon office work and prep for Wednesday night services.  Mood:  Excited for the evening!
• Band practice.  Mood:  Mellow mostly; slightly distracted by what I didn't get accomplished.
• Flipping pancakes for the band and student volunteers.  So fun.  Mood: Fun, but stressed about time crunches.
• midweek student service.  Worship, prayer, speaking, worship, etc.  Mood: Peaceful.  Enjoyed God's presence and being with the students.
• After midweek gatherings, meetings etc.  Cleaning up from midweek, answering questions about upcoming services and events, shooting promo videos, finishing touches on Sunday services... Mood: Fun and laid back in the beginning; stressed, exhausted, and altogether snappy by the end.

"Hi, I'm Jessica, the human pinball machine."  Ping-ping-ping.  Happy, stressed, excited, mellow, grumpy.  Yikes.  Sometimes I overwhelm myself.  And I get so irritated with ME.  Does that ever happen to you?

I'm learning that I can't rely on myself or trust myself like I think I can; sometimes I'm just too fickle!  I've got to always look to the Lord, even when I think I'm coasting, when I'm on that high; I've got to continue to look to Him.  He's the Rock that can't be shaken.  I don't know why I am the way that I am or what I feel the way that I feel.  But I know He does.  And I know I can rely on Him.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

music and the body of Christ

I love music.  Like I really, really, really love music.  Most types of music I maintain appreciation for.  Several specifics tend to resonate more profoundly with my soul though, one of those being choral music. This weekend I went to the South-Central District Honor Choir concert.  It was such a treat.  I don't really know how to describe it, honestly.  So many memories of musical performance days came rushing back to me in an instant, even as I just walked (briskly, mind you) across the lawn leading to Evangel's auditorium.  I went alone and sat alone (until I happened to turn and see some fellow church members looking for a place to sit) and I completely enjoyed it.  Actually, I think I needed to be alone and process some things on my own as I listened and took in all the sounds and textures.  I may or may not have shed a few tears in the processing process.

I know I sound like a total music nerd, but I don't really care.  Something about the tones, the swells, the rhythms, the harmonies, the fullness; all of it transports me out of this world and into a place of total peace and contentment.

Since the concert on Saturday, I've spent a lot of time considering why choral music gets to me the way it does.  And I think I'm on to something.

There's something about a collective of voices joining together to create one sound, one message.  It reminds me of the way the body of Christ is meant to work.  We are meant to operate in one accord, with one message and one mission in mind.  Yet, even in that mission, we each have an individual and unique part, and the body is not the same without each and every part.  There are ebbs and flows, high points and low points, even choppy, difficult to follow rhythms in life.  But the body always sticks together, always continues working toward the end result, always continues singing its respective parts.

And the parts of the body cannot accomplish separately what the entire body can.  It doesn't work like that.  We're made to be a tapestry of talents and gifts and callings and personalities, all intricately woven together.  Just like a vocal ensemble.  Good grief, I love that.  I'm almost crying (again) just thinking about it all, how beautifully everything fits together.

Bottom line:  God is so good and His beauty inspires and transcends.  He is the only reason I breathe. And that's enough of a reason for me.  

I need to write.

So badly.  Do you ever have those times that you know you have something to say, but the words just don't formulate adequately?  Yeah, that's me right now.  If I could access the deep recesses of my heart/mind, I know there would be something almost tangible to post (it feels that huge), but there seems to be something in the way.  Erg.

This is what it feels like right now:   chaos.  Erg.  Again.

The irony is that I did a lot of creative writing this week, for the first time in a loonnnngggg time.  But I haven't journaled or blogged thoughts/feelings in a while.  So strange.

Instead of share anything meaningful/insightful, I'll ramble...but only briefly.  Indulge if you dare.

1.  I absolutely get entirely annoyed with Christmas music playing before Thanksgiving.  Call me a turkey baby, but I just don't think it's right.  Thanksgiving is such a significant holiday; it promotes gratitude and togetherness.  But no, we'll just breeze right on by that to all the festive tunes of St. Nick.  Erg.

2.  I really, thoroughly, completely, and entirely LOVE Christmas music with all of my heart.  AFTER Thanksgiving.  Just sayin'.

3. Apparently, I'm an inadequate clock setter.  Last night I set my phone clock back one hour before I went to bed and I set my phone alarm for 5:21am.  Welp, my alarm went off at 5:21am, but it just so happens that it was actually 6:21am.  And I had no idea I was an hour behind until 7:45am, which I thought to be 6:45am.  Such a confusing morning for me.  And mildly stressful.

4.  Fave new show:  New Girl.  Hands down.

5.  Fave old show:  Prison Break.  Hands down even farther.  I discovered it last Sunday night.  Between then and last night, I may or may not have watched 18 episodes on Netflix.  Oops.  Today, I fasted.  No addictions or idols here, folks.

6.  I am really super duper thankful that I have a co-teacher now on Sunday mornings.  Oh it makes things so much smoother.  Not to mention the fact that she's AWESOME and going to add so much to our conversations and studies.  YES.

7.  I like to type in fragments.  Sometimes.  Usually when I'm feeling a little rebellious.

8.  Current mood:  semi-rebellious.  ;)

9.  Tomorrow: Monday.  Me: Not quite ready.  Weekends go too fast sometimes.

10.  I wanted to end this pointless list on an even number.  Sometimes I'm slightly Type-A.  Sometimes.

That's all for tonight.  I'll write something substantial and thought-provoking at some point in the near future.  Hopefully.  Once I can translate all the jumble in my head/heart.

Until then, hasta luego, amigos.

Oh, one more thing:  who decided this was the cool factor and how in the world are we ladies supposed to accomplish this?!  So not fair.

(Just for the record, I think this is hilarious.)

When I don't understand...

...my first tendency is to question, then complain, then get overwhelmed, then throw a fit.  Super mature, right?  Granted, most of it is inward and between only the Lord, my journal, and me.  But still..

I could spend the better part of a day (or more, probably) listing off the things I don't understand. "Why?" tends to surface a lot in my heart and mind. This morning, "Why?" was especially active and my heart was so heavy. As my thoughts tumbled around, and my spirit brewed with frustration, this song came on my iPod, and immediately tears stung my eyes with conviction. There are plenty of things I don't understand and plenty of reasons to complain about how I don't understand what I don't understand. But God doesn't call me to complain. He calls me to trust, to seek, to worship Him--even in the midst of heaviness and frustration.

"When I don't understand, I will choose you."

Let this song be the cry of my heart for all of my days.  And yours too...have a listen.

asking for directions

Generally, I'm not shy about asking questions. In fact, if anything, I tend to err on the side of asking too many questions and being a smidge too nosey. What can I say? I like to know the 4-1-1. And, if I'm working on a project or assignment that I don't know everything about, I always ask questions; I always want to be accurate and effective.

But why is it that I tend to back off when it comes to my discussions with the Lord? It's like I adopt the "don't ask, don't tell" mindset in my relationship with Him sometimes. As if not asking is going to avoid confusion or heartache. How ignorant of me. The only way to gain clarity and direction is by seeking the One who knows the answers and sets the course.

Last night I went to a worship gathering at Glendale Christian Church. Jared Anderson led an evening of worship, beginning with a brief training time for church worship teams. We took a few of our students that play in the band to both the session and the service. Man, it was amazing. I didn't realize how dry I was and how badly I needed some uninterrupted time in worship, seeking His face. It totally knocked me on my backside...in the best way possible.

I've been wrestling with some directional challenges lately, ie, "What is my calling?" Ha. Big question, I know. But as much as I've wondered, I haven't really taken time to stop and verbalize those thoughts intentionally to the Lord...until today. And it was so freeing. I don't have any answers necessarily, but I feel like I'm heading the right way, just by asking for directions.

Granny

Today is my Granny's birthday. I believe she would've been 82. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it's nostalgia, or maybe it's where I'm at in my journey, but I've longed for her wisdom and insight. There's a lot about that woman to admire. Some of my favorite of Granny's qualities:

-Her appreciation for nature. Animals, flowers, birds; she always loved observing them. And she grew the most beautiful, full roses I've ever seen. I remember she had this bird clock in their kitchen that chimed a different bird noise at every hour. I never understood her fascination with birds. When I stop to consider them though, they always make me think of her.

-Her ability to listen to her body. "Let's just rest," she'd say so often. "I just need to rest my eyes." Or, "Now Jessie, make sure you listen to your body. When it says rest, rest!"

-Her seriously intense cleaning skills. I wish I could say I'm as clean as she was, but frankly I don't have the time to spend on my hands and knees, scrubbing my floors with a vinegar solution weekly. Someday, I will, but not right now..

-Her love for her family. No matter who had done what or said what, Granny always extended open arms and, most importantly, an open heart. She always wanted to know what was going on and she was never shy about asking.

-Her cooking skills. Good grief, could she cook. I still have yet to taste an angel food cake that can even pretend to rival hers. Honestly, I've considered praying for angel food in Heaven, but I don't really think it will matter once I'm there.

-Her generosity. Whether it was toting us around town, treating us to ice cream or dinner out, Granny was also doing something for us. We'd go to her house to say hello and leave with a bag full of goodies. When I needed to earn money for a formal dress in high school, Granny contracted me to help her paint her shed. If ever anyone needed anything, Granny did whatever she could to help.

-Her faith. Granny was not overbearing, but not shy either in expressing truth. She was always active in church and left no one to wonder where she stood.

I hope that I can be even half the woman that Granny Stone was. She's left a legacy in me that I do not soon want to forget.

weekend wrap-up

This weekend in 10 words or less:

Bestie adventures. Sushi. Chick-flicks. Bonfire. Groceries. Church. Nap. Homework. Church.

And it was all in chronological order too! How about that? :)

Needless to say, it was a weekend I'd rather not say goodbye to.

Here are just a few snapshots.

Adventures with the bestie

Our awesome SH leaders at the JH Bonfire

Ready for dark...and JH students!

Pam and me rockin the glow glasses :)

Monday, please be kind..

have you ever...

1) ...gotten a spray tan?

I got my first one this weekend! And just to put your worries to rest, we're definitely not talking the likes of any oompa loompa or Jersey Shore member. Thanks to Stevie and her own personal spray tan machine, I left Dallas a little less translucent than I arrived. It was a fun experience and I was actually pleasantly surprised/impressed with the evenness and tone of the tan. And, I must admit, I've already looked into the purchase of my own spray tan machine, but, alas, my budget has no room for that currently.

2) ...cooked with quinoa?

This week's trip to the grocery store included a couple of new items, one being a big bag of quinoa, an easy-to-cook grain that packs protein and nutty flavor in the little bubbly morsels. Funny story--I'd wanted to try quinoa for a while now, but wasn't quite brave enough to venture out of my usual and didn't really want to spend $5 for a box of stuff I wasn't sure I'd like. So, I hit up the self-serve machines in the organic section at Price Cutter, thinking I'd save a buck or two and start off small. Welp, so much for that. The plastic container housing the quinoa was over my head and I couldn't see what I was doing as I helped myself to an overly generous portion. (I don't know how I didn't spill it at the store, because when I got home, I swear a third of the bag ended up on my counter, floor, and the lip of my dishwasher.) I have no concept of weight or estimating distances and that sort of thing, so I had no idea what to expect when I went to weigh my bag and print the label, but $12.04 was NOT at all what I had in mind. Boy did I feel sheepish. $5 for a box didn't sound so bad at that point. Sheesh.

Anyway, last night I cooked up a batch for the first time. (My sister said it smelled awful, but I liked the nutty blend.) I did a little research and found this site that offers several quinoa recipes; however, I decided to keep it simple and just spiced it up with some black pepper after it was on my plate. This morning, though, I used quinoa in place of my usual oatmeal and was pretty pleased with the results.

I used this recipe, but modified it slightly with my own ingredients:

1 cup cooked quinoa, 1/4 cup almond milk, 1/4 cup mixed berries, 1 drizzle maple syrup, 1 TBS brown sugar, topped with 1/4 cup vanilla Activia.

Ok, since this isn't a food blog, I'll move off of this topic...soon. But first, can I just say how empowering it is to try something new in the kitchen and actually have it somewhat succeed?! Honestly, I hope to be a domestic diva one day, but in the mean time, it's baby steps.

3) ...had neuroma?

I have it. Traumatic neuroma, to be exact.

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist again. I've been having significant pain in my foot...still/again. So my mom and aunt finally convinced me that I should call, and when I did, the nurse said I definitely needed to come in and get checked out. Ugh. I was NOT looking forward to the potential outcome: cast, crutches, MRI, bone scan, surgery...I had no idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you how good God is. He is SO good. Honestly. The x-rays showed that my bones have healed great from the fracture, so the pain I've been experiencing is due to traumatic neuroma, or a swelling of the nerves caused by aggravation. (She used the term tumor, of the benign sort, which is still a pretty scary word any way you turn it. I'll stick with swelling, thank you very much.) Bottom line: The nerves are freaking out from the trauma of the fracture and I need to wear wider shoes and avoid activities that irritate the nerves, such as bending at the toes. AKA, no running, jumping, lunging, stair-stepping for a while. But, I can walk and squat and bike and WALK. I was so super excited to hear that it's only temporary and should be gone in 6-8 weeks. And I WALKED out of her office. Praise the Lord. He really never gives us more than we can handle!

In an effort to give my toes the wiggle room they need, I laid down a pretty penny (several pretty pennies, actually) on Zappos.com last night. I would be fighting buyer's remorse pretty heavily if it weren't for the fact that my doctor mandated wider shoes. That means she'll cover the debt of my purchases, right? Ha.

So, any other fakely tanned, quinoa cooking, neuroma sufferers out there? I'd recommend staying away from the latter, although the first two could make for some fun experimenting!

Happy Tuesday, all! My lunch break is wrapping up so I better do the same.

destination: dallas

Hello, bloggie buddies! How was your Monday? Better yet, how was your weekend?!

Disclaimer: I did not take this photo. But I think it's pretty.

My weekend came and went way too quickly. (Can I get an "Amen?!") Thursday I took a vacation day and embarked on a quick roadtrip to visit my friend Stevie in Dallas. I was a little apprehensive by the time Thursday morning rolled around since this was the farthest I'd ever driven by myself AND I'd never driven further southwest than Joplin, let alone Texas! There's a first time for everything I guess. Even though my dad tried to convince me to fly, I insisted on hitting the open road. Something about driving is so soothing to me...

...until I hit Oklahoma highways. Holy moley, what is the deal, OK? Honestly, I've never been so carsick in my life. And I get carsick nearly every roadtrip, but not typically when I drive. Forget 75mph speed limit; semis passed me left and right at my sluggish 60mph. Barf bag in one hand, digging for Meclizine tablets with the other; I was quite a mess for a bit. Needless to say, my always knowledgeable father texted me directions via the interstate for my return trip.

Anyway, I rolled into Dallas safe and sound, and only suffered mildly from a cloud of nausea and carsickness funk. We enjoyed dinner at Gloria's, a super posh Mexican restaurant in downtown Dallas. Saturday, Stevie humored me and took me to IKEA for my first time! The phrase "kid in a candy store" doesn't even touch the two of us. Yes, we hit every room. Yes, we tested too many couches/chairs. And, yes, we designed and redesigned our own homes multiple times during our tour. For lunch: the best pizza I've ever had, compliments of Grimaldi's. Then it was on to shopping and a driving tour of Dallas. Friday night, we headed to Fort Worth for a bite to eat at a hole-in-the-wall open-air burger joint, followed by a visit to a huge country-western dance hall/concert venue. Honestly, I've never felt so midwestern in my life, but I've never enjoyed a city so much. Driving into Fort Worth was literally like stepping back in time. We visited an old saloon-style shop where I found the cutest turquoise dangling earrings for my sister. Brick streets. Cowboy hats. Boots. Belt-buckles. Chivalry. MANNERS. Music. Two-stepping. So much fun.

Stevie, me, and Gena in Fort Worth

More than all the southwestern charm, which definitely has its effect, I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Stevie. We haven't been friends for all that long, but she is one of those people that is solid. No matter what's going on, she's consistent and she's real. We had some really honest conversations this weekend, tough conversations, and it was so refreshing--and revealing, the kind that teach you something about yourself. Why is it that those friendships that foster such transparency seem so few and far between? Honestly, where is all the authenticity in this world? That's definitely another topic for another post. The point is that I definitely enjoyed and appreciated spending time with Stevie.

Friday went too quickly and Saturday came too soon. However, the end of the interstate did not come nearly soon enough. Oy. NOTHING exists through most of Oklahoma. Not complaining in the least, simply observing. The interstate did, however, prove to be much smoother than OK highways. No trash bag was harmed during the drive home. I got home just in time to recover and sleep for Sunday festivities.

All in all, it was a great weekend...and I'm still wishing it were longer, in vain, I know.

Here's to an equally good week!

Another reason...

...that I love students.

Exhibit A: They draw random pictures during Bible study.

Also, they allow me to give impromptu grammar lessons using the white board in our office. Actually, "allow me to" may not be entirely accurate. More like they politely listen as long as they possibly can and then smile that "I think you're completely crazy" smile and then carry on with whatever conversation was previously in progress before the visit from the grammar geek.

Bottom line: I enjoy their kind of crazy and they tolerate mine. I'm completely ok with that. :)

Back to school, back to...

...incessant reading, endless typing, and ACNE. What? Yes, I said acne.

I love to read, but usually when I have downtime, I lack the energy to read for fun. Major benefit to taking grad classes online: mucho reading. But honestly, I feel like I read constantly (except when I'm driving, talking with others face-to-face, or showering, of course).

Typing. Again, constant. Between work and school, my computers are so well loved.

Lastly, the ever so attractive redish bumps that are enjoying their flourishing vacation across my face. Honestly, I was beginning to enjoy some freedom from this beast and even exploring lighter (and occasionally a lack of) makeup. And then school started. I really think it must be subconscious because my mind does not feel overly stressed about school. Busy, but not overly stressed or taxed. Oy. I should've bought stock in skin care companies 10 years ago...

That all seems to be a little bit focused on the negative. And I'm honestly trying to have a positive attitude. So, here's some positivity: I LOVE learning. I love growing and being challenged intellectually. And I love feeling like I'm contributing to a conversation that could stimulate growth in someone else. (Yes, I'm most definitely a teacher.) The class that I'm currently taking is called "Ministry with Students." It's been really interesting to discover philosophies, theologies, and such of those who have much experience in the world of student ministry. Some of it seems like things I could have written with my measly 2.5 years of experience in vocational ministry; however, the perspectives of others bring a lot to the table. And their insights are invaluable. In no way do I come close to having this whole world of ministry figured out. Sheesh, it's endless. But I do know that the bottom line is that Jesus is Lord and He loves students. And somehow, somewhere along the line, He called me to love students too.

While all the studying I've been doing is great, nothing even comes close to the heart knowledge that I've gained, even just this weekend. I've really been trying to hone in on what exactly my passion and my calling is in life. Thursday evening, I was on the treadmill, doing some reading for school (further proves my point of reading constantly--I can't currently afford to expand my workout outside of the treadmill because I need that time to read!), and I suddenly realized that regardless of the capacity, I am so passionate about working with teenagers. I sincerely love being around them (even when they annoy the snot out of me). I value their perspectives and so appreciate their energy. Most of all, I care about their lives now and eternally. Maybe this all sounds super silly and obvious, but for the first time--maybe ever--I felt so entirely certain of my calling that I could not stop smiling. There was an overwhelming peace and such a fulfilling joy that I experienced on that treadmill. And I so needed that. I wanted to carry on my power walk forever! Ha.

So, there's some positivity right there...and from a post that started off on a negative foot. What's going on in your life that's positive? How did you discern your calling and your passion? Do you get excited about it?

I'm excited...and I have homework to do. So that's it for now, bloggies.

Have a great Monday!

monday sick day

My plan to avoid Mondays: Monday sick days. Ha...totally kidding. I honestly hate sick days. They're right up there next to gagging noises and bad sushi. Ick. I just feel like a lump of human, consuming space, and profiting next to nothing. Needless to say, I'm not a good patient. So, to counteract the ten hours that I spent sleeping, with brief interruptions to take more sinus meds, refill the water bottle, shower, and put the neti pot to good use, I dragged myself out of bed to hit the treadmill for a bit this evening. Hopefully I sweated out the toxins and wore myself out enough to actually fall asleep tonight.

In between sleeping sessions today (I literally did sleep most of the day--that part was wonderful and apparently much needed), I hit the web to do some shoe shopping, which has become a less than enjoyable experience over the last few months. I'm finding myself struggling to rewrite my definition of cute and go for the healthy shoes. It's especially difficult considering the price of not-as-cute comfy shoes. So, I'm going out on a limb here and asking your opinion. I need a couple pairs of stylish and healthy dress shoes/boots that I can wear on Sundays, mostly. Sundays are the days I'm on my feet the most, but, honestly, that's when I care the most what I'm wearing too. I know in the scheme of things, it doesn't matter; but let's be honest, I'm a girl and fashion is important to me. And I know I'm not alone in that. ;)

Ok, here are a couple of options I've been considering. Seriously, your feedback is requested and appreciated. But, please, be gentle, and remember, I've got old lady feet that I have to consider, so if there is an opportunity cost, it's going to have to be the fashion over the fit.






Ok, so hit me with your thoughts! And of course other recommendations are welcome too.
Stay healthy--from your head to your toes! :)

You know those days...

...that just start off the wrong foot entirely? Today was unquestionably one of those days.

I stayed up too late (enjoying the company of good friends for a special occasion, mind you), but then I snoozed too long. And I skipped my Bible time and last minute review time. I rationalized that I was up late and I would have some downtime once I got to work and got everything settled so I could review then. Plus, those extra nine minutes of zzz's really do count. (HA.) And it was rainy and I couldn't decide what to wear... Ugh, it was just one of those mornings. And then I got to work, and technology was not on my side. I won't recount all the little issues I ran into, but it was honestly one thing after another. Up until about 5 minutes before our first hour of small groups I was struggling with getting anything to work right. It was all I could do to hold back the tears while I asked James, who was busy fighting his own fires and gearing up for his hour of small groups, to take a look at yet another tech issue. Oy. Thankfully he was super gracious and got my stuff up and running just in time to kick off our small group openers.

Needless to say, I did not have a moment of downtime to review my lesson or do any kind of personal Bible study. And let's just suffice to say lesson learned. However, greater than the lesson of not snoozing through my alarm and considering an earlier bedtime on Saturday eve, is a lesson that Jesus has been trying so hard to get me to see lately. As I was switching gears from Junior High and Senior High this morning, I had a few moments to catch my breath during a couple of worship songs. The Lord so graciously reminded me during those moments that He loves me so much, not for what I do, or really even for who I am, but because of who He is. I love being cradled in His love. I know that sounds cheesy; in fact I nearly deleted it as soon as I typed it. But I can't, because it's so true. And maybe you need to hear that. Maybe you need to let Him envelope you and just hold you while you rest in His love. It seems like lately He's been chasing after me with this idea of love. Love? Really? Yes, love. He's been hitting me with it from so many different angles lately, and while I'm definitely not an expert on the topic, and I definitely struggle with accepting something of which I am so unworthy, I am beginning to see glimpses of what true love--His love--really looks like and how it works in my life.

Lesson number one today: His love for me knows no bounds. And all He really wants is for me to know that love and make it known. Lesson number two: Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is greater, stronger, higher, more beautiful, more powerful, more gracious, more undeserved, than His love. And nothing could ever stop it. (See Romans 8.) During our second hour of small groups I was so overwhelmed, again, with His love and how unchangeable it is. Seriously, I don't even deserve to experience His love, let alone be reminded of it so relentlessly. But He's so good like that.

So today, that started out being "one of those days," and NOT one of my days, ended up being exactly what it needed to be, exactly what He wanted it to be. Here's to the same tomorrow.

I hope you're being blessed, bloggies, and soaking in His love for you.

a-z about me

{ bff rachel and me }

{a} age :: 25 (cough, cough)
{b} bed size :: queen
{c} chore you hate :: laundry...ugh! putting it in isn't so bad, but taking it out and putting it away...oy.
{d} dogs :: 2ish...leo and selene (my parents')
{e} essential start to your day :: snooze, workout (if snoozing doesn't take too long), shower, breakfast, quiet time
{f} favorite color :: i definitely dig black and white. no question.
{g} gold or silver :: silver
{h} height :: 5'4.5" to be exact
{i} instruments you play :: originally, accordian, then keys, now learning guitar
{j} job title :: student associate
{k} kids :: no, thank you (cough, cough, scandalous)
{l} live :: missouri
{m} maiden name :: stone...duh?
{n} nicknames :: jessie, jess, bessie, jesser...that's all i'll share for now :)
{o} overnight hospital stays :: not since birth, but plenty of visits
{p} pet peeve :: poor grammar/spelling, specifically with your/you're and their/they're/there; rude, hateful attitudes; dirty fingernails...ick!
{q} quote :: "It was all worth the weight, worth the wait." --Sleeping at Last
{r} righty or lefty :: righty
{s} siblings :: 1 little sissy, age 20
{t} time you wake up :: depends on the day and the night before...wait, that sounds bad. it depends what time i get to bed. i'm an 8-hour kind of girl. i generally snooze at least once every morning though. typical rise and shine time: somewhere between 6:50-7:30am.
{u} university attended :: southwest baptist university, undergrad; currently dallas baptist university, graduate
{v} vegetables you dislike :: none that i know of, really
{w} what makes you run late :: thinking i always have time for one last task...ugh. i'm late by nature, but on time by discipline...most of the time.
{x} x-rays you’ve had :: teeth, gall bladder, intestines, ankle, feet...
{y} yummy food :: cereal, ice cream, fresh fruit/veggies, SALMON--yum!
{z} zoo animal favorite :: generally, i don't make a practice of visiting the zoo. in fact, i can't remember the last time i went. i guess i'd have to say pandas or penguins or something like that.

When words fail, google Sara Teasdale

Sometimes words fail me. At those points, I often consult better equipped writers than myself. This has got to be one of my all-time favorite poems. And set to music, it's even better. Yes, I am an avid fan of well-written poetry. This particular one has been on my mind lately for some reason. Naturally, I thought I'd share. For all you fellow hopeless romantics out there, enjoy. For all others, prepare to be converted.

To E.

I have remembered beauty in the night,

against black silences I waked to see

a shower of sunlight over Italy

and green Ravello dreaming on her height;

I have remembered music in the dark,

the clean swift brightness of a fugue of Bach's,

and running water singing on the rocks

when once in English woods I heard a lark.

But all remembered beauty is no more

than a vague prelude to the thought of you--

you are the rarest soul I ever knew,

lover of beauty, knightliest and best;

my thoughts seek you as waves that seek the shore,

and when I think of you, I am at rest.

~Sara Teasdale

The top 10 things

on my mind right now are as follows:

10. Tomorrow. It's our fall kick-off for small groups, which means all of our recent changes are in full effect. I'm facilitating all the junior high small group details at 9am, then both junior high and senior high small groups at 10:30am. I'm so ready, but so nervous. I just want everything to go well.

9. Next Sunday. So much time went into the details for tomorrow morning. Will I be able to keep up each week?

8. Grad school. Holy mac... Classes started last Monday. I got accepted on Thursday, registered for classes on Friday, and accessed my account Saturday (today). I have a paper due Sunday (tomorrow) and textbooks coming in the mail next week. Yikes. Welcome back to school.

7. Grad school. I'm super excited to be a student, to learn, to study, to grow, to write... SO excited. Oh, by the way, I'll be attending Dallas Baptist University via their online program for Master's in Christian Education: Student Ministry. Seriously, I'm so excited. Did I mention I'm excited? I love school. Weird, I know.

6. Worship. There's been a lot of it happening in my life lately. And it's been so good for me. Note to self: make it consistent. Last night I, along with some super solid friends, attended a worship gathering at High Street Baptist Church. God was evident. I so needed that.

5. My mom. She's having a (non life-threatening, but pretty invasive) surgery on Wednesday morning. Please pray for her, her doctor, and for our family over the next few weeks as she recovers. It'll be a process.

4. Rest. Life has been in a constant state of motion. Even in the midst of changes and busyness, I've sensed the Lord's hand distributing peace and rest in my life. It doesn't make sense the chaos and peace could coexist. I guess that's the mystery of the "peace that passes understanding..."

3. Shin splints. I can't get rid of them! Any ideas/suggestions/tips are more than appreciated. :)

2. You. How are you? What's going on in your life? You've been on my mind.

1. James (the book in the Bible). We're beginning a church-wide study of James tomorrow morning. This week we're studying and discussing James 1:1-12. The main idea: trials are an inevitable part of life. No matter what comes our way, we choose whether we handle the trials with a bitter attitude, or whether we embrace them as an opportunity to grow, to become better. That's been on my heart a lot this week. I'm so grateful that the Lord doesn't give us trials for no reason. His desire is for us to be complete, lacking nothing, as James says. And those trials are His way of getting us to that point, developing within us perseverance. Anyone else glad that the hurdle in your life isn't pointless?! Sheesh, He's faithful.

That's all I've got for now, bloggie friends. I gotta knock out some discussion board postings and devotion readings for grad school. Woot!

Happy Saturday evening!

some fresh ramblings

This morning was the 27th Annual Bilyeu Family Concert at Ridgecrest. Southern Gospel may not be my favorite genre of music, but I honestly eagerly anticipate this event each year. God always speaks, and this morning was no disappointment. This year's theme of "Peace" couldn't have been more fitting for so many, I know, and myself included. Wouldn't you know that woven throughout the theme of peace were threads of patience and waiting? Funny how the Lord orchestrates things.

After church this morning, I did some housework, made some pancakes, then turned off my phone and just relaxed for a few hours (a rare Sunday, for sure). Throughout the day I had plenty of time to process the threads of peace and waiting, and just exactly how they fit into my life. Mind you, I don't have it anywhere close to figured out. But I do have a few fresh thoughts to share. Here goes:

First, waiting is not the absence of hope, but in fact, the very evidence of such. Waiting requires trust, trust being something that I may severely lack currently, but by the end of this process I surely will not. Secondly, waiting doesn't require inaction. It's not designed to be a stagnant time. In fact, waiting can be a very active process. Tonight as I drove to my parents' house I heard the song "While I'm Waiting," by John Waller. (Back to the Lord's sense of humor...) Anyway, I love that he says, "I will serve You while I'm waiting, I will worship while I'm waiting." Serving and worshipping require intentionality, action, surrender, and trust. All of this is so tightly woven together. Third, despite the storms that rage during the waiting process, the Lord offers peace freely, should I choose to accept it. It's my choice whether or not I allow the wind and waves to rock my world, or if I set my feet on The Rock and let Him speak peace into my life.

What a day for truth, for a fresh breath of air. I needed it so badly.

So now, to you, what are you doing during your waiting process? How are you in the midst of your storms? I hope you're finding peace.

You know those times...

...when you are busting at the seams with so much to talk about but at the same time have absolutely nothing to say all at once? That is so me these days. So much is going on in my brain and in my heart, but rarely do I stumble across the proper words for processing and releasing said thoughts. However, I also know that since writing is an outlet for me, sometimes I just have to begin the process and see what happens. Well, it's high time I started writing. Let's see what happens, shall we?

The last several weeks (maybe months, maybe most of my life, really), the Lord has been speaking to me a lot about waiting. And when I say speaking to me a lot, mostly I just mean He keeps saying, "Wait." Yep. Over and over. Do you ever hear that from Him?

Wait on that relationship. Wait for that promotion. Wait on the timing for that major purchase. Wait for wisdom. Wait for discernment. Wait for a friend. Wait until I say move. Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Which somehow all translates into weight for me. Can I get an "Amen?!"

Why is it that the more ambiguous the Lord's will for my life seems, the heavier I feel? I tend to take on the wait of the world when I don't have a clear answer. And why is it that "Wait" classifies as an ambiguous answer? It's actually not ambiguous at all. It's quite clear, really. The only thing that's not completely crystal is what do to in the waiting process. Which is almost exactly where the weight transpires for me. What does waiting look like?

The last few days I've done something bold: I've gotten honest--almost completely...we're still working on that--with the Lord. I've talked a lot, told Him how I felt about the whole waiting process and how confusing it is to me. And He's responded. Not with a 5-step plan or strategy to clarify my actions in this season, but with Words, with comfort and faithfulness. Here are a few of those words:

"I would have lost heart unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:13-14

And also Psalm 28:6-9, Psalm 29:10-11, Psalm 30:11-12, Psalm 31:24, Psalm 34:18-19, Psalm 37:7-9, Psalm 40, Psalm 42:11, Psalm 51:10-13, Psalm 55:22, Psalm 56:4&11, Psalm 91, Psalm 102.

Yes, that's a lot. And, no, I don't have them memorized. But I intend to do just that. I so want to make the most of this whole waiting season, however long it lasts, and what better way than soaking in the words He speaks?

So I know this is a bit of a ramble post. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that may be the case for quite some time as I figure out a little bit more each day as this journey continues. Feel free to stay tuned, if you're up for the rambling road.

I hope you're being blessed, friends.

A Hiatus of Sorts..

So it's been over a week since I've had time to even think about blogging. And quite frankly, the fact that I'm stressed about blogging seems a little counter productive to me at this point. I'd love to have time for writing; it's such a great outlet. But, due to a vast amount of personal stuff I need to deal with, along with a very sparse amount of free time I'm currently experiencing, it seems like a wise move for me to lay off of blogging for a bit. In all honesty, I've got a lot on my plate, and I need to sort through it inwardly before I can process externally. So, my dear blogger friends, consider this a fond-and temporary-adieu, a hiatus for now. When the time is right, I will pick it up again. Until then, I'll still read your writings and pray blessings on you.

Until next time, friends.

Day 98

This morning I made some super yum oatmeal. Ingredients: oats (obviously), vanilla Activia, raw honey, blueberries, and raisins, topped with a sparse handful of sunflower seeds. Not only was it delish, but it was filling too. I hate eating oatmeal and then being hungry 2 hours later so I try with all my might to bulk it up. I just love it too much to not eat it.

Also, today I had a considerably good "poof" day. I'm just sayin. Those have been few and far between over the last few months, as my winter pixie cut has grown. I'm so ready to have long hair...we'll see if I last. I tend to stink at fighting the bite of the short hair bug.

Please pardon the massive under-eye circles (it's CAMP week) and the awesome bathroom stenciling. :o)

It's CAMP week, and I'm pretty stinking excited. In fact, we leave tomorrow. I think I've got nearly everything accomplished on my end; I just gotta pack up things in the office and hit the road first thing tomorrow morning. I'm so ready to see what God does this week. It never fails; big things always happen. I'm eager...and I'm tired. I've gotta rest up for a week of adventure and fun!

Talk to you soon, bloggie friends!

Day 97: Learning to wait

Warning: This may be a rambling post of sorts. Be forewarned. Also, I am pictureless.

If ever a book was written about my life, the title and subject must include some reference or nod, at least, to waiting. I hate waiting. I think the Lord knows that too. Obviously I don't have it mastered either, otherwise I don't think He would continue to give me all the opportunities to learn how to wait.

Right now I am wrestling with waiting in so many different areas. And I loathe it. I know there's a purpose, sure, but I struggle with seeing that clearly. Mostly, I just feel unproductive in the playing the waiting game. Whether it's waiting in traffic (I will actually take an alternate route and go out of my way to avoid congested intersections or long lines of traffic), in relationships, in test results, in baking: waiting is not my strong suit. How I'm just suddenly realizing this for the first time, I have no idea. But I am. And it's hitting me like a ton of bricks. Literally, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of my repeatedly over the past few weeks.

It's not that I don't like waiting for no reason. Oh, there are plenty of reasons. The biggest one currently is the pain in the process, the angst in trying to "figure it out" before the ending is revealed. Oy. I'm up to my knees in ill-fitting pieces and making very little progress in deciphering the bigger picture. And that's just it. I know that no matter how hard I try, I will not be able to figure it out. And I don't think I'm supposed to. But being still, being patient, and being quiet while I wait are so challenging for me. What am I supposed to do while I wait? My nature is that of a doer. Doers don't do so well in the waiting process.

As I write this post, I feel like I'm continuing to realize more about my perspective on waiting. The waiting itself is one thing; dealing with what seems to be the cessation of action and the mounting anxiety and anticipation of what's to come is exhausting. And it requires so much trust. That's the real kicker. If ever a second book were written about my life, it most definitely should discuss my trust struggles. I know that I'm supposed to trust and I know that I'm supposed to wait, to trust; I've read it, I've heard it, I've prayed about it. Putting it into action? Something entirely different. So, I'm making it my mission: learn to wait and trust, simultaneously. In reality, I think that the two really complement each other.

I know that waiting on the Lord is in my best interest and will ultimately bring Him the most glory, and in my heart of hearts, it's my desire. So I'll do it, grinning and bearing it every step of the way.

Please tell me that you've struggled with waiting at some point too... I'm completely open to advice/stories to learn from. :)

In the mean time, I'll be here. Waiting..

Day 96

Church today was super intense. I so needed to hear Andy's message. He preached from Psalm 28, sharing about how to take a journey of pain to a point of praise. I might as well have started the day without eyeliner because by the time I left church, it was nearly all washed off. Seriously, it was a cleansing time of worship. I left feeling a little lighter than when I had arrived. I think that's how "church" is supposed to be.

How was your worship today? I certainly hope it was cleansing.

Days 94 & 95: KC roadtrip

As I've shared before, my bestie Rachel is getting married! The countdown is officially 2 weeks from tomorrow. Last night, we bridesmaids threw her a shower at the Plaza in Kansas City. It was a quick trip, but well worth it to help celebrate my fabulous friend!

Roadtrip essentials!

The view from our balcony

Our view after dark...love the city!

My new friend Sarah! :)

The bride and me..isn't she stunning?!

For your random reading pleasure: My sister went floating today with some highschool friends and came home about 3 shades away from leather. I'm definitely jealous of her hues currently. After a really nasty warming from my dermatologist a few weeks ago, I'm basically forbidden to tan intentionally. So, I'm seriously contemplating sunless tanner. Anyone had any luck with said lotions? What brand(s) do you recommend?

Have you done anything fun this weekend? If not, do it. NOW. Or tomorrow... :)

Good night, bloggies!