About a year ago, I decided I was done with ministry. I was pretty beat up and bruised, and I was more than ready to throw in the towel. At the same time, I still loved my job. I loved speaking truth, hanging out with students, and learning from some spiritually solid people. But I felt so trapped. And inadequate and so overly tired of giving endlessly...not just to people but to the Lord.
I was done.
But the Lord was not. He made it so clear to me that I needed to press on and dig deep. And so I did. Until Christmas. And then I started planning again to leave, to 'get out' of ministry. I wanted to live my own life and do my own thing without letting anyone else down and definitely without being held to a higher standard. I wanted my own way.
I began applying for jobs..endlessly, it seemed. I had a really great interview, which I thought was my ticket out, my pass on to my own path. And then I waited...3 months before I heard anything. Then there was a second interview. And then there was the rejection phone call.
Throughout the journey between the two interviews (for the same position), I constantly struggled to determine what God's will was and if I was really willing to follow it. After I didn't get the job, and didn't receive a single call from ANY other school to which I applied, I quickly understood that God did NOT want me leaving ministry. After throwing an initial temper tantrum, I dried up my tears, resolved to dig in to ministry even deeper and more wholeheartedly than I ever had before, and committed to following Christ and His will over my own. Yes, I've made this commitment a million times, but somehow, at various twists and turns along the way, it seems that I continually come to a crossroads of "my will vs. Thy will".
That was the beginning of May. May, June, and July were 3 of the best months of my life. I dove into student ministry full-force again, refreshed, renewed, and strengthened. I loved every minute of it. Project Springfield. Girls Bible Study. Summer Interns. New York. CAMP. Ecuador.
And then I got a call from the principal with whom I'd interviewed in May. He offered me a job and said he didn't want anyone else. Initially, I didn't want to talk with him. I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I was happy. Content. Satisfied. And I didn't want anything to rock the boat. Per the advice of a wise friend, I listened to the principal's offer. And I prayed. Hard. Before I even ended that first phone call with him, I knew the Lord was stirring something in my heart. I knew He was calling me to something new. But I wasn't sure if I wanted it.
Thankfully, the lesson I learned from December through May hadn't left me yet. And this time I knew better than to go with my will. I hit my face before the Lord and asked for wisdom. I had a tough choice to make: stay or go.
The clearest message I got was that it was time for me to go. A year ago, I wanted to leave. I was running hard core. And He wouldn't let me go. As many times as I shook my fist at Him and begged for Him to let go of me, He never did. He never has. I'm convinced He never will. But in late July, He called me not to leave, but to go. See, taking a new job now was not me getting out of ministry. It wasn't running from something; it is diving deeper into the ministry that He's set before me. It's going out into the world and shining some light. It's putting on my armor and getting in the trenches. For me, it's going deeper into ministry. It's further accepting His call.
I think it's so crazy that the Lord knows the condition of our hearts at each step along the way. He knows when the right time is to move us, to stretch us, to test us, to push us.. And He doesn't act as we think He ought. He doesn't call when we see fit. He moves, acts, calls, etc., according to His timing and His plan. And He's got it worked out better than I ever could. I'm not saying that my life is perfect now, or that I feel one hundred percent satisfied, or that I don't have moments of frustration or fear--I have all of those and more. But I do know that a long time ago I placed my trust in hands much greater than my own. Those hands have not failed me yet, and so I'm continuing to place my whole life in His hands DAILY (sometimes hourly), and I'm believing that He will continue to lead me.
And that, my friends, is why I changed jobs. Not because I in my flesh wanted to, not because I was running from ministry, and certainly not because I was wounded and defeated; but, rather, because He said, "Go!"
What is the Lord calling you to right now? How will you respond?
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9
