Holy. Moly.
A whole year has gone by...and yet, only a year...
(Photo (c) Ziegler Photography)
Having said that, let me also just be really blunt and terribly transparent with you: this last year has been the toughest of my life. There, I said it.
The thing about tough, though, is that tough isn't bad; tough is just tough. All of the tough in the last year has brought me to some pretty intense learning points. So many times I've thought, "Man, I wish I had known this before I got married." Honestly, I went through a little season of bitterness. I thought, "Why didn't anyone tell me this about marriage?" Well, I'm sure plenty of people did tell me. And I'm sure I was probably so head-over-heels-I'm-wearing-rose-colored-glasses-for-the-rest-of-my-life in love that I thought it didn't apply to me or to our marriage. I've come to understand, though, that some things you can't learn from someone else. Some things, particularly some marriage things, you can only learn by going through them.
So, I'm going to share with you 4 things I've been learning about marriage. Are you ready? Brace yourself. Things are about to get personal.
4 Marriage Lessons from a Newlywed
1. Marriage doesn't fix you.
Contrary to my expectations, my insecurities did not magically disappear with the vocalization of "I do." The struggles and body image issues I faced before I got married still exist as a married woman. My short temper, impatience, and struggle with perfectionism are all still present. Husband may be my other half, and we may complement each other really well, but he is not my savior. He's not my creator, sustainer, author, perfecter--none of that. As incredible as he is, he is still only human. Our marriage, seeing as how it's comprised of two humans, can in no way fill the holes left by sin; only Jesus can do that. Sometimes it's hard to remember to put Jesus before husband. But I'm learning that the times I seek husband above the Lord, when I seek him for things he can't give, I place our marriage on shifting sands. I think at some level, I really wanted marriage to be like a bandaid. I wanted it to cover up my flaws and insecurities, not just cover them up, but also make them mysteriously disappear. That has not been my story though. In fact, marriage has been much more of a refining agent, bringing out more of my flaws and insecurities than I really care to admit. The beautiful thing about refining is that the impurities are worked out. Notice I said WORKED out. Not erased. Not covered up. Not swept to the side. They're brought to light and then worked out by the Refiner. So, while I may feel ugly and tarnished at some points, I know that those flaws are being dealt with and fixed, not by husband, but by Creator.
2. It's okay to walk away.
Walking away in the middle of an argument--or even a conversation that's heading that direction--does NOT mean you're walking away from your marriage. Repeat: walking away from a battle with your spouse does not mean that your marriage is doomed. Likewise, if (more like 'when') husband says he needs space and can't discuss the current issue at the moment, it doesn't mean that he's leaving me. It doesn't mean he's separating himself emotionally from me or giving up on our marriage. (Oh, how dramatic that first year can feel!) Sometimes, we just need space and time. Space to breathe. Time to think, pray, diffuse. I love that my husband is committed to keeping peace in our house and, therefore, often walks away when I'm looking to fight. It can sure be frustrating in the moment sometimes, but I so respect his desire and follow-through when it comes to choosing his words, tone, and volume wisely.
3. Because it's tough doesn't mean you're bad at marriage.
Sometimes we fight. There, I said it. No newly married couple ever wants to admit that there may have been harsh words thrown around at unpleasant decibels, lest it be perceived that there is trouble in paradise. But the fact of the matter is that marriage is a convergence of two people--two independent, free-willed, autonomous individuals. Two individuals that have individual thoughts, opinions, ideas, jobs, goals, ways of communicating, friends, past experiences, pains, likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, credit cards, decorating taste, bills...and on and on it goes. Those two people say "I do," and go from separate everything to separate nothing. OF COURSE THERE'S GOING TO BE CONFLICT! It's natural to experience tension at some point in any relationship with another human being. My sister and I used to fight growing up, and even as adults when we lived together. Does that mean we shouldn't be sisters? Of course not. That's a ridiculous thought. Just as ridiculous is the thought that since I get angry and pick a fight (not condoning this behavior, just confessing!) that I'm not cut out for marriage. Or because husband and I disagree on a subject that each of us feels passionately about means I married the wrong person. RIDICULOUS. These are lies that are so easy to believe and so toxic to both individuals and the marriage covenant. It will be tough. There will be conflict. It's how you handle the conflict and what you do in the midst of the tough that is most important.
4. Marriage isn't about me.
I think this is the biggest lesson of all. And I KNOW so many people told me this one. I just don't think I was really able to wrap my mind or heart around it at the time. Y'all. MARRIAGE ISN'T ABOUT ME. It's not about Trevor and Jess. It's not about our dreams, our goals, our future family (way, way in the future), our hobbies, or our successes. Marriage is about Jesus. It's about the unending love, hope, mercy, grace, friendship, and redemption offered only through Jesus. The moments in which our marriage is strong and grace is evident point to Jesus, since He's the One to enable us to be strong and to give grace. The moments in which our marriage is impatient and unforgiving also point to Jesus, as only through Him are we able to become patient and extend forgiveness. Marriage is such a unique gift and opportunity, not to become experts in an earthly endeavor, but to become more like Christ and point those around us toward Him as well.
These lessons have been a long time coming for me. I've sat down several times to try and articulate my thoughts and my heart on these matters. Still, I've rambled, I know. My apologies.
Maybe you're a newlywed just starting out, or maybe you've been married for 30 years already. Perhaps you're single and want nothing to do with marriage; or, quite the opposite--you're single and would rather not be. Whatever your current situation may be, I do hope that there's something useful or comforting--or even humorous--about reading these lessons from a humble newlywed. I'm only just beginning to learn, but I'm so eager to share my experiences--successes and not-so-successes--in hopes of encouraging others.
Be blessed, friends.
