i feel like i've lost sight lately. i know i've lost sight lately. i've become consumed and concerned with everything worldly going on around me and in me. i've been distracted, so distracted, in fact, that i've stopped seeking. if i'm being totally honest, i think i have to admit that only part of lack of seeking is due to being distracted. the rest of it is due to me being, well, angry, hurt, and just plain exhausted. i've been battling so many giants, and sometimes i do really well at not fighting on my own. lately though, lately, i've been trying to do it on my own. and the problem with doing it alone is that my pouch gets so full of stones that it weighs me down. it sags and drags behind behind, stretching and ripping the fabric along the way. there's beauty in this bruising process though. i think the lord knows what it takes for me to come to him. for some reason, i'm so stubborn and strong-willed, so hard-headed, so determined, and so gullible, that i think that i can do it on my own. and i try, and try, and try, and try...bound and determined to prove myself. see, the lord knows that i am so slow to learn these things, and so slow to take my eyes off of my own target, that unless he allows a distraction to occur, i may never look back. without the surmounting weight building up in my pack, it wouldn't cause me discomfort and it wouldn't drag. if it didn't cause me pain, if it didn't wear me down, then i wouldn't notice it. and if i didn't notice my heavy load, then i couldn't possibly notice the hole being ripped in the bottom of my tightly woven pack. and if i didn't notice the holes wearing through, if i didn't notice that they even existed, then i wouldn't pause to consider the origin of the tears. i wouldn't realize that they were being ripped by grace. see, my god, my savior, he knows these things about me. and he loves me just the same.
he loves me like that and i still fail to follow. heck, i fail to even seek. no longer will this be the case. i'm making the conscious effort to bow. i'm taking off my pack. again. i'm admitting that i don't know where i'm going. i don't even know where i am right now. i think i'll choose to be okay with that. every time i've ever known where i was going, i was in control. i was reading the map. that's not what i want; that's not what i need. i surrender to the unknown. i surrender to you, lord. be my vision and be my guide. help me seek you with everything i have. i want to search for you with all my heart.
"you will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart." jeremiah 29:13
