When I don't understand...

...my first tendency is to question, then complain, then get overwhelmed, then throw a fit.  Super mature, right?  Granted, most of it is inward and between only the Lord, my journal, and me.  But still..

I could spend the better part of a day (or more, probably) listing off the things I don't understand. "Why?" tends to surface a lot in my heart and mind. This morning, "Why?" was especially active and my heart was so heavy. As my thoughts tumbled around, and my spirit brewed with frustration, this song came on my iPod, and immediately tears stung my eyes with conviction. There are plenty of things I don't understand and plenty of reasons to complain about how I don't understand what I don't understand. But God doesn't call me to complain. He calls me to trust, to seek, to worship Him--even in the midst of heaviness and frustration.

"When I don't understand, I will choose you."

Let this song be the cry of my heart for all of my days.  And yours too...have a listen.

asking for directions

Generally, I'm not shy about asking questions. In fact, if anything, I tend to err on the side of asking too many questions and being a smidge too nosey. What can I say? I like to know the 4-1-1. And, if I'm working on a project or assignment that I don't know everything about, I always ask questions; I always want to be accurate and effective.

But why is it that I tend to back off when it comes to my discussions with the Lord? It's like I adopt the "don't ask, don't tell" mindset in my relationship with Him sometimes. As if not asking is going to avoid confusion or heartache. How ignorant of me. The only way to gain clarity and direction is by seeking the One who knows the answers and sets the course.

Last night I went to a worship gathering at Glendale Christian Church. Jared Anderson led an evening of worship, beginning with a brief training time for church worship teams. We took a few of our students that play in the band to both the session and the service. Man, it was amazing. I didn't realize how dry I was and how badly I needed some uninterrupted time in worship, seeking His face. It totally knocked me on my backside...in the best way possible.

I've been wrestling with some directional challenges lately, ie, "What is my calling?" Ha. Big question, I know. But as much as I've wondered, I haven't really taken time to stop and verbalize those thoughts intentionally to the Lord...until today. And it was so freeing. I don't have any answers necessarily, but I feel like I'm heading the right way, just by asking for directions.

Granny

Today is my Granny's birthday. I believe she would've been 82. I've been thinking a lot about her lately, and I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps it's nostalgia, or maybe it's where I'm at in my journey, but I've longed for her wisdom and insight. There's a lot about that woman to admire. Some of my favorite of Granny's qualities:

-Her appreciation for nature. Animals, flowers, birds; she always loved observing them. And she grew the most beautiful, full roses I've ever seen. I remember she had this bird clock in their kitchen that chimed a different bird noise at every hour. I never understood her fascination with birds. When I stop to consider them though, they always make me think of her.

-Her ability to listen to her body. "Let's just rest," she'd say so often. "I just need to rest my eyes." Or, "Now Jessie, make sure you listen to your body. When it says rest, rest!"

-Her seriously intense cleaning skills. I wish I could say I'm as clean as she was, but frankly I don't have the time to spend on my hands and knees, scrubbing my floors with a vinegar solution weekly. Someday, I will, but not right now..

-Her love for her family. No matter who had done what or said what, Granny always extended open arms and, most importantly, an open heart. She always wanted to know what was going on and she was never shy about asking.

-Her cooking skills. Good grief, could she cook. I still have yet to taste an angel food cake that can even pretend to rival hers. Honestly, I've considered praying for angel food in Heaven, but I don't really think it will matter once I'm there.

-Her generosity. Whether it was toting us around town, treating us to ice cream or dinner out, Granny was also doing something for us. We'd go to her house to say hello and leave with a bag full of goodies. When I needed to earn money for a formal dress in high school, Granny contracted me to help her paint her shed. If ever anyone needed anything, Granny did whatever she could to help.

-Her faith. Granny was not overbearing, but not shy either in expressing truth. She was always active in church and left no one to wonder where she stood.

I hope that I can be even half the woman that Granny Stone was. She's left a legacy in me that I do not soon want to forget.

weekend wrap-up

This weekend in 10 words or less:

Bestie adventures. Sushi. Chick-flicks. Bonfire. Groceries. Church. Nap. Homework. Church.

And it was all in chronological order too! How about that? :)

Needless to say, it was a weekend I'd rather not say goodbye to.

Here are just a few snapshots.

Adventures with the bestie

Our awesome SH leaders at the JH Bonfire

Ready for dark...and JH students!

Pam and me rockin the glow glasses :)

Monday, please be kind..

have you ever...

1) ...gotten a spray tan?

I got my first one this weekend! And just to put your worries to rest, we're definitely not talking the likes of any oompa loompa or Jersey Shore member. Thanks to Stevie and her own personal spray tan machine, I left Dallas a little less translucent than I arrived. It was a fun experience and I was actually pleasantly surprised/impressed with the evenness and tone of the tan. And, I must admit, I've already looked into the purchase of my own spray tan machine, but, alas, my budget has no room for that currently.

2) ...cooked with quinoa?

This week's trip to the grocery store included a couple of new items, one being a big bag of quinoa, an easy-to-cook grain that packs protein and nutty flavor in the little bubbly morsels. Funny story--I'd wanted to try quinoa for a while now, but wasn't quite brave enough to venture out of my usual and didn't really want to spend $5 for a box of stuff I wasn't sure I'd like. So, I hit up the self-serve machines in the organic section at Price Cutter, thinking I'd save a buck or two and start off small. Welp, so much for that. The plastic container housing the quinoa was over my head and I couldn't see what I was doing as I helped myself to an overly generous portion. (I don't know how I didn't spill it at the store, because when I got home, I swear a third of the bag ended up on my counter, floor, and the lip of my dishwasher.) I have no concept of weight or estimating distances and that sort of thing, so I had no idea what to expect when I went to weigh my bag and print the label, but $12.04 was NOT at all what I had in mind. Boy did I feel sheepish. $5 for a box didn't sound so bad at that point. Sheesh.

Anyway, last night I cooked up a batch for the first time. (My sister said it smelled awful, but I liked the nutty blend.) I did a little research and found this site that offers several quinoa recipes; however, I decided to keep it simple and just spiced it up with some black pepper after it was on my plate. This morning, though, I used quinoa in place of my usual oatmeal and was pretty pleased with the results.

I used this recipe, but modified it slightly with my own ingredients:

1 cup cooked quinoa, 1/4 cup almond milk, 1/4 cup mixed berries, 1 drizzle maple syrup, 1 TBS brown sugar, topped with 1/4 cup vanilla Activia.

Ok, since this isn't a food blog, I'll move off of this topic...soon. But first, can I just say how empowering it is to try something new in the kitchen and actually have it somewhat succeed?! Honestly, I hope to be a domestic diva one day, but in the mean time, it's baby steps.

3) ...had neuroma?

I have it. Traumatic neuroma, to be exact.

Yesterday I went to the podiatrist again. I've been having significant pain in my foot...still/again. So my mom and aunt finally convinced me that I should call, and when I did, the nurse said I definitely needed to come in and get checked out. Ugh. I was NOT looking forward to the potential outcome: cast, crutches, MRI, bone scan, surgery...I had no idea what to expect. Well, let me just tell you how good God is. He is SO good. Honestly. The x-rays showed that my bones have healed great from the fracture, so the pain I've been experiencing is due to traumatic neuroma, or a swelling of the nerves caused by aggravation. (She used the term tumor, of the benign sort, which is still a pretty scary word any way you turn it. I'll stick with swelling, thank you very much.) Bottom line: The nerves are freaking out from the trauma of the fracture and I need to wear wider shoes and avoid activities that irritate the nerves, such as bending at the toes. AKA, no running, jumping, lunging, stair-stepping for a while. But, I can walk and squat and bike and WALK. I was so super excited to hear that it's only temporary and should be gone in 6-8 weeks. And I WALKED out of her office. Praise the Lord. He really never gives us more than we can handle!

In an effort to give my toes the wiggle room they need, I laid down a pretty penny (several pretty pennies, actually) on Zappos.com last night. I would be fighting buyer's remorse pretty heavily if it weren't for the fact that my doctor mandated wider shoes. That means she'll cover the debt of my purchases, right? Ha.

So, any other fakely tanned, quinoa cooking, neuroma sufferers out there? I'd recommend staying away from the latter, although the first two could make for some fun experimenting!

Happy Tuesday, all! My lunch break is wrapping up so I better do the same.

destination: dallas

Hello, bloggie buddies! How was your Monday? Better yet, how was your weekend?!

Disclaimer: I did not take this photo. But I think it's pretty.

My weekend came and went way too quickly. (Can I get an "Amen?!") Thursday I took a vacation day and embarked on a quick roadtrip to visit my friend Stevie in Dallas. I was a little apprehensive by the time Thursday morning rolled around since this was the farthest I'd ever driven by myself AND I'd never driven further southwest than Joplin, let alone Texas! There's a first time for everything I guess. Even though my dad tried to convince me to fly, I insisted on hitting the open road. Something about driving is so soothing to me...

...until I hit Oklahoma highways. Holy moley, what is the deal, OK? Honestly, I've never been so carsick in my life. And I get carsick nearly every roadtrip, but not typically when I drive. Forget 75mph speed limit; semis passed me left and right at my sluggish 60mph. Barf bag in one hand, digging for Meclizine tablets with the other; I was quite a mess for a bit. Needless to say, my always knowledgeable father texted me directions via the interstate for my return trip.

Anyway, I rolled into Dallas safe and sound, and only suffered mildly from a cloud of nausea and carsickness funk. We enjoyed dinner at Gloria's, a super posh Mexican restaurant in downtown Dallas. Saturday, Stevie humored me and took me to IKEA for my first time! The phrase "kid in a candy store" doesn't even touch the two of us. Yes, we hit every room. Yes, we tested too many couches/chairs. And, yes, we designed and redesigned our own homes multiple times during our tour. For lunch: the best pizza I've ever had, compliments of Grimaldi's. Then it was on to shopping and a driving tour of Dallas. Friday night, we headed to Fort Worth for a bite to eat at a hole-in-the-wall open-air burger joint, followed by a visit to a huge country-western dance hall/concert venue. Honestly, I've never felt so midwestern in my life, but I've never enjoyed a city so much. Driving into Fort Worth was literally like stepping back in time. We visited an old saloon-style shop where I found the cutest turquoise dangling earrings for my sister. Brick streets. Cowboy hats. Boots. Belt-buckles. Chivalry. MANNERS. Music. Two-stepping. So much fun.

Stevie, me, and Gena in Fort Worth

More than all the southwestern charm, which definitely has its effect, I thoroughly enjoyed catching up with Stevie. We haven't been friends for all that long, but she is one of those people that is solid. No matter what's going on, she's consistent and she's real. We had some really honest conversations this weekend, tough conversations, and it was so refreshing--and revealing, the kind that teach you something about yourself. Why is it that those friendships that foster such transparency seem so few and far between? Honestly, where is all the authenticity in this world? That's definitely another topic for another post. The point is that I definitely enjoyed and appreciated spending time with Stevie.

Friday went too quickly and Saturday came too soon. However, the end of the interstate did not come nearly soon enough. Oy. NOTHING exists through most of Oklahoma. Not complaining in the least, simply observing. The interstate did, however, prove to be much smoother than OK highways. No trash bag was harmed during the drive home. I got home just in time to recover and sleep for Sunday festivities.

All in all, it was a great weekend...and I'm still wishing it were longer, in vain, I know.

Here's to an equally good week!