Tick-Tock vs. Trust

I've finally accepted the fact that I'm a haphazard blogger.  And by haphazard I mean completely sporadic and quite often overly dramatic.  Since I'm accepting that fact, I'm relinquishing myself from guilt and unnecessary introductions on each new post...beginning next time. This time, I just have to say that I hate that I don't make time to write.  I hate how my writing seems to deteriorate when I don't do it.  And I hate that it's such an outlet for me, yet when I don't write for long periods of time, the act becomes so laborious.  Ugh.  And so I'm forcing myself to write...hopefully it won't be a complete disaster.

They say, "Timing is everything."

Jesus is everything.  Duh.  But part of the brilliance of Jesus being everything is that He holds time in His hand.  I have a horrible tendency to pray for God's plan, and then to obsess over it every step of the way.  "Is this the right door?"  "Is this the right time?"  Ugh, I obsess over knowing the right thing and doing the right thing, at the right time.  Sometimes it feels as if a perpetual alarm clock resides inside my head/heart:  "Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock!"  Talk about inducing anxiety.  My continual struggle is whether or not to give in to the clock and become alarmed (ha) about my quickly passing time and opportunities, or to trust that it's all going to work out.  Can you guess which one I give in to more often?  Erg.  Anyway, I've been learning a little bit about timing lately, both from experience and conversations with people much wiser than myself.  

Two lessons I've been learning lately about timing and God's will.

1) Seeking His perfect timing or will or plan or whatever must not replace seeking Him.

and 

2) His timing really is perfect.

Time for a story.  Recently I found myself annoyed on a Wednesday night.  A student's ride was abnormally late and I was abnormally irritable, tired, and altogether ready to be home.  (None of that is the fault of the student, by the way.)  I was antsy, to say the least.  When, at last, it came time to go home, as I pulled onto Republic Road, I spotted what seemed to be a teenage girl walking along the road, carrying multiple bags.  As I got closer, I recognized her.  I drove past and immediately felt compelled to stop.  Notice I said I drove past...  After only a few seconds of arguing with myself--I was tired, it was late, I wasn't completely positive that I knew who she was--I made a u-turn, swung my Jeep into the Catholic church parking lot, and called out to her.  Thankfully, she recognized me too.  I would've hated to be a creeper.  I offered her a ride and she accepted.  I was so excited to chat with her.  She's attended RBC only twice, by "happenstance."  And, ironically (ha), I'd been thinking of her just recently.  I would never have dreamt that I'd unexpectedly run into her late one Wednesday night, particularly on an evening that I was so eager to be home.

I wonder how often I get so eager about my plans and miss out on His plans, on Him.  Just a thought...

The good news, in my struggle for figuring out timing and plans and such is that I don't really have to figure out any of it.  Because He's got it together, I don't have to worry about it.  The waiting isn't going to be too long.  I'm not going to miss out on Him.  I'm not going to miss out on His plans.  But I am going to miss out on a lot of beauty by continually obsessing over the details.

I've found that my obsession with figuring out everything in my life is really rooted in fear... There's quite a bit to be said about that, but we'll elaborate another time.  For now, I'm finding comfort in these words:

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear..."    1 John 4:18


And so it's time to say goodbye to the obsession and planning and the fear that triggers it all; time to throw it all out the door and give into Him.

Perhaps you've got a plan to throw out the window too.  Perhaps you need to stop obsessing and planning and worrying as well.  Don't be afraid; just step out in faith.

21 years ago today

...my existence as an only child completely shattered.  Yep, that's right:  my sister was born.  And today she turns 21.  Holy moley, where has the time gone?!  Since this is her big day, I thought I'd dedicate a blog post to her.  I'm sure she'll be so thrilled. (HA!)  :)

My sister is definitely one of my favorite people.  Let's be honest, I don't say that about a lot of people.  And if I'm being even more honest, she might just be my favorite person.  Yes, I'm seeping total sister sap.

From her beauty, to her poise, to her persistence, my sister is someone I maintain utmost respect for.  Despite the fact that we couldn't be more different in a some ways, she is someone I admire so much.  No matter the cost, my sister stands her ground.  When other people pressure her to sway, sway she does not.  Simply said, she is who she is, no matter the crowd.

Growing up, there was rarely a dull moment as long as my sister was around.  Between babysitting kids running around, me throwing an emotional teenage tyrade, and dad cheering heart and soul for losing teams, my sister has always provided a source of laughter.  Barbie photo shoots.  Steve Urkel impressions.  Imaginary friend phone calls, sleepovers, and Dairy Queen trips.  She's never been shy and she's never hesitated to put herself on the line in the name of comedy.

We've had some crazy times together, and I know we'll have plenty more.  We've fought and screamed and exchanged our share of hurtful words.  We've also laughed and shared secrets that we don't share with others.  Ever.  If I know anything, I know that nothing will change our relationship.

Happy 21, LA.  I'm really proud to call you my sister.

learning to listen

I love getting new music.  LOVE it.  But I'm not always so great at seeking out new jams.  Therefore, I thoroughly appreciate the fact that the guys I work with are nearly constantly playing new tunes.  Today my boss shared Bethel's newest album with me in preparation for a roadtrip that I ended up not endeavoring...

I had planned to take off for good ol' Nebraska this afternoon with my mom for a quick trip to visit Grandma.  And take off we did.  However, my digestive system seemed to have other plans, and thus I did not last long at all on the road.  In all honesty, I made it to the McDonald's not even 2 miles from my house, at which point I realized I had no business attempting a 6 hour car ride today.  I was feeling overly stressed about making the trek and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that I was making the wrong choice. From the moment my mom mentioned the idea to me a couple of weeks ago, I knew I shouldn't go, but I let my desire and logic win and proceeded accordingly.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've sensed the Lord calling to me, inviting me to Himself.

And what have I done?

Nothing.  Well, actually, that's a lie.  I've done the opposite of nothing.  I've continued about scurrying here and there, working, meeting with students, running errands, painting cabinet doors, fitting in extra workouts, cooking unnecessarily...

...and NOT meeting with the Lord.

Confession:  I have a listening problem.

It took the wrath of some wicked stomach pains for me to finally listen to--not just hear--the Lord.

"Come away."

And so this afternoon, I snuggled into my bed, opened my window, and just breathed in the presence of the Lord, just listened to Him.  No TV.  No music.  No distractions.  It was exactly what I needed.

I'm learning to listen.  He knows exactly what I need, and He tells us, if we'll only listen.  And speaking of listening... That music that Nate shared with me earlier today made its way onto my iPod and into my ears and heart this evening.  I really can't even begin to express how life-changing the lyrics on this album are.  You should definitely check it out.  Also, you should listen.  Take time today to stop and allow the Lord to quiet you.  In that quiet, see what He has, what He says.  I promise you won't be disappointed.

Listen to this message, friends, and come to Him.

once again

I find myself feeling remorseful over my lack of blogging of late.  As seems to be the trend lately, it's not that I have nothing to say, it just seems that I don't have the words to say it.  In fact, I'm not really sure why I'm writing currently, other than the fact that I had the urge to at least get some words on the screen.

So, here I am...  attempting to blog.

And failing...ha.

I guess I could update you on my current situation in life.

It seems I've hit my midlife brain breakdown rather early in life.  I've been forgetting/losing/misplacing things left and right lately.  Seriously, that's not okay for an OCDer like myself.  I find it rather difficult to rest at night when I have loose ends left untied.  Example:  my glasses.  I set them down at church on Sunday afternoon, but I can't remember where.  And I can't find them anywhere.  Nor has anyone on staff, any of our students, or any of the cleaning crew stumbled upon them.

All of this leads me to believe one thing:  there is a mouse out there looking quite intelligent and studious in my specs.

Thankfully, I had just visited the optometrist last Friday and ordered a new pair of frames.  Then Sunday happened... Can we say ironic?  Gratefully, my new glasses arrived yesterday and I am so so so loving them!

Let me take a minute to draw a spiritual application from this situation.

For some reason, the Lord seems to use lesson after lesson in my life to show me His faithfulness.  The glasses situation is yet another reminder that He is faithful and He is in control.  People say that God doesn't care about the details, the little things--that He has way bigger things to worry about; but I refuse to give into that idea.  I KNOW, based on irrefutable evidence time and time again in my own life, that He does care.  That even the "silly little things" are not out of His reach, nor His focus.

This week, a friend reminded me of an entirely necessary passage.
1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

It's my understanding that God's care doesn't just stop after the cut off of "big things"--illness, financial issues, family stress, death, etc.  Rather than specifying these things, Scripture says, "He cares for YOU."  I find such comfort in that.  I will definitely attest to the humbling that is mentioned in the first part of verse 6.  Feeling like I'm losing my mind definitely has a way of humbling me.  But that's exactly the point.  When I get to the spot of being humbled, and understanding that I can't find it/figure it out/make it happen, that's when I finally cry out to the Lord.  And He's right there, ready to take my junk and show His care for me.

That is amazing grace, my friends.  And that is a small taste of what I've been experiencing lately, even in the midst of losing my mind.

He cares.
And He is faithful.

May you experience His care and faithfulness today.

hair and relationships

So my friend Lindsay texted me last night, asking if I could help with some wedding hair today.  And of course I said yes.  Really, who's gonna say no at a chance to play beauty salon?!   Seriously, it was so much fun!  The girls were great to work with and the bride was so laid back.  All beauties.

As I was pinning one girl's hair, we started talking about the correlation between hair and relationships.  First it was accidental.  Here's how our conversation transpired (more or less):

Me:  "So what are we thinking style-wise?"

Emily:  "I don't really care.  Just something laid back and loose."

Me:  "Ok, I'm thinking...[whilst pinning]I want you to come over here...There we go." 

Emily:  "What?  Oh I thought you were saying that was the hairstyle we were going for."

And so we began talking about various styles of hair and their messages.

Ahem..without further a-'do, our hairstyle communication
The "I want you to come over here" style.
      Loosely pinned up with delicate and unpretentious wisps pulled down around the face.

The "Please stay" style.
      Similar to the "I want you to come over here" style, only including some sort of twirling of the hair around
      the fingers.

The "I want you to stay there" style.
      Hair is tightly pulled back, either all up, or half-up, causing tension through the brow and temple, creating
      a tense, unwelcoming look.

The "I really hate what you're doing right now" style.
      Much like the "I want you to stay there" style, but somewhere along the way, a hair flip is completed,
      perhaps in conjunction with an eye roll.

The "I am completely oblivious to anyone around me...or at least I want you to think that" style.
      Hair is down and tousled or up in a messy-ish bun.   Totally unassuming appearing.

And there ya have it.  Communication through hairstyles.  Now that I know it's so easy, I'm going to begin communicating this way.  Be aware.  Also, I'm sure there are many, many more styles that could clearly and accurately convey specific messages; however, my creativity is exhausted at this point.

And so I'll close with some pics from my hairstyling escapade today.  Enjoy.

The lovely bridesmaids

Their hairs

Lindsay, me, Amber.  I'm lacking an LBD ;)

   
     

holiday recap

This holiday season was probably one of my favorite in recent history.  Our family established some new traditions and shared way too many laughs together along the way.  (Is that actually possible, to laugh too much?  Hmm..)  We stayed in town for Christmas Eve and Christmas day, hitting up our Christmas Eve service at church, followed by the Stone family extended family gathering out in Sparta. Christmas day was full of cooking breakfast together, opening gifts, and then heading over to our Aunt and Uncle's house for a glorious Christmas feast and lots of family game time.  Also, the weather was INCREDIBLE!  I can't remember a Christmas that we've enjoyed dinner outside on the deck.  Crazy, but so beautiful!

Two days after Christmas we headed to Nebraska to spend time with my mom's family.  Seriously, this was probably one of my favorite trips to the Neb.  My sis and I roadtripped separately from our parents, which allowed us a lot of freedom in visiting with cousins, Grandma, etc.  SO MUCH FUN.  Then after returning from the Neb, the kitchen remodel fell into full force.  Whoa.  Lots going on for sure.

Needless to say, it was a busy holiday break, but I honestly enjoyed it thoroughly, which I can't always say.  Normally breaking out of my routine isn't always at the top of my list.  Type A much?  :)  This time, however, it was pretty refreshing.

Some photos from the holidays...

Christmas Eve

Mom & Pops on Christmas

FAVE Christmas gift:  Keen boots.

coping with chaos

I can’t believe the holidays have come and gone already.  And it’s 2012?!  When did that happen?  Sheesh.

To begin the year, we decided to refinish our kitchen cabinets.  So excited for the update; however, not so excited about the current chaotic state of our kitchen and adjacent areas.

Here’s proof of the current chaos:

Our office currently holds all of our kitchen ware and pantry contents.
Yikes.

This afternoon I met with a wonderfully wise friend for coffee.  I so needed our time together.  We shared about our current life situations, spiritually, emotionally, job-wise…etc.  What I love so much about this friend is her complete and total honesty and acceptance.  She’s one of those that I can set a bomb off in front of and she doesn’t bat an eye, but merely shrugs her shoulders and says, “Well all right, sister,” and helps me examine the pieces.  I seem to be blessed with several friends like that; apparently the Lord knows I’m good at dropping bombs.

My latest bomb:  feeling in a rut of sorts in my relationship with the Lord.  It’s one of those times that I know I should be pursuing Him regularly, but I also know my heart isn’t completely in it.  And I don’t like that.  I don’t want to seek Him merely out of obligation or duty; I want to seek Him because I WANT to seek Him.   It so bothers me to know that my heart isn’t where it should be, isn’t where I want it to be.  Overall, it feels like chaos in my soul.  And that wears on me.

So we were discussing this current situation and the desire to jump into the cycle of spiritual growth, yet not knowing exactly where/how to begin.  It was then that my lovely friend shared some advice I found to be so wise.  She explained that when she encounters those situations of not knowing where to begin or what to do next, she goes back to the last thing the Lord told her to do, the last thing she discerned Him saying.

It didn’t take me long at all to remember the last thing I heard Him say.  It’s the same thing He’s been saying for quite awhile now:  “Wait.”

“Wait.”

Four simple letters that drive this girl crazy.  But if that’s what He’s said, then that’s what I’ll do.  Despite the internal chaos I feel and despite the fact that I often have no idea what waiting looks like, what I’m waiting for, or how long I’m to wait, I will wait.  Period.  Again, my friend interjected some valuable advice.  In the midst of this chaos, perhaps the Lord is merely asking me to trust Him.  It seems easy to trust when things are clearly outlined, when answers are easy to come by; but in the obscure, in the unknown, in the undetermined, that’s when trusting is difficult.  But perhaps that’s when it counts the most.

And so I’ll wait…until I’m given different instructions.  And I’ll make the most of this chaos in the meantime.