Lessons from a Newlywed

Holy moly.  It's February 2015.  That means it's one year since February 2014.  12 whole months since the day my husband and I stood in front of some 200 of our closest family and friends and promised ourselves to one another for the rest of our days on earth.

Holy.  Moly.

A whole year has gone by...and yet, only a year...

(Photo (c) Ziegler Photography)

There are so many lessons I'm only beginning to learn as a wife.  This last year has been the best year of my life so far.  Learning to navigate the waters of marriage with my best friend has been an incredible journey full of so many wonderful moments and experiences, and I know it's only just beginning.

Having said that, let me also just be really blunt and terribly transparent with you:  this last year has been the toughest of my life.  There, I said it.

The thing about tough, though, is that tough isn't bad; tough is just tough.  All of the tough in the last year has brought me to some pretty intense learning points.  So many times I've thought, "Man, I wish I had known this before I got married."  Honestly, I went through a little season of bitterness.  I thought, "Why didn't anyone tell me this about marriage?"  Well, I'm sure plenty of people did tell me.  And I'm sure I was probably so head-over-heels-I'm-wearing-rose-colored-glasses-for-the-rest-of-my-life in love that I thought it didn't apply to me or to our marriage.  I've come to understand, though, that some things you can't learn from someone else.  Some things, particularly some marriage things, you can only learn by going through them.

So, I'm going to share with you 4 things I've been learning about marriage.  Are you ready?  Brace yourself.  Things are about to get personal.

4 Marriage Lessons from a Newlywed

1.  Marriage doesn't fix you.

Contrary to my expectations, my insecurities did not magically disappear with the vocalization of "I do."  The struggles and body image issues I faced before I got married still exist as a married woman.  My short temper, impatience, and struggle with perfectionism are all still present.  Husband may be my other half, and we may complement each other really well, but he is not my savior.  He's not my creator, sustainer, author, perfecter--none of that.  As incredible as he is, he is still only human.  Our marriage, seeing as how it's comprised of two humans, can in no way fill the holes left by sin; only Jesus can do that.  Sometimes it's hard to remember to put Jesus before husband.  But I'm learning that the times I seek husband above the Lord, when I seek him for things he can't give, I place our marriage on shifting sands.  I think at some level, I really wanted marriage to be like a bandaid.  I wanted it to cover up my flaws and insecurities, not just cover them up, but also make them mysteriously disappear.  That has not been my story though.  In fact, marriage has been much more of a refining agent, bringing out more of my flaws and insecurities than I really care to admit.  The beautiful thing about refining is that the impurities are worked out.  Notice I said WORKED out.  Not erased.  Not covered up.  Not swept to the side.  They're brought to light and then worked out by the Refiner.  So, while I may feel ugly and tarnished at some points, I know that those flaws are being dealt with and fixed, not by husband, but by Creator.


2. It's okay to walk away.

Walking away in the middle of an argument--or even a conversation that's heading that direction--does NOT mean you're walking away from your marriage.  Repeat: walking away from a battle with your spouse does not mean that your marriage is doomed.  Likewise, if (more like 'when') husband says he needs space and can't discuss the current issue at the moment, it doesn't mean that he's leaving me.  It doesn't mean he's separating himself emotionally from me or giving up on our marriage.  (Oh, how dramatic that first year can feel!)  Sometimes, we just need space and time.  Space to breathe.  Time to think, pray, diffuse.  I love that my husband is committed to keeping peace in our house and, therefore, often walks away when I'm looking to fight.  It can sure be frustrating in the moment sometimes, but I so respect his desire and follow-through when it comes to choosing his words, tone, and volume wisely.


3.  Because it's tough doesn't mean you're bad at marriage.

Sometimes we fight.  There, I said it.  No newly married couple ever wants to admit that there may have been harsh words thrown around at unpleasant decibels, lest it be perceived that there is trouble in paradise.  But the fact of the matter is that marriage is a convergence of two people--two independent, free-willed, autonomous individuals.  Two individuals that have individual thoughts, opinions, ideas, jobs, goals, ways of communicating, friends, past experiences, pains, likes, dislikes, hobbies, interests, credit cards, decorating taste, bills...and on and on it goes.  Those two people say "I do," and go from separate everything to separate nothing.  OF COURSE THERE'S GOING TO BE CONFLICT!  It's natural to experience tension at some point in any relationship with another human being.  My sister and I used to fight growing up, and even as adults when we lived together.  Does that mean we shouldn't be sisters? Of course not.  That's a ridiculous thought.  Just as ridiculous is the thought that since I get angry and pick a fight (not condoning this behavior, just confessing!) that I'm not cut out for marriage.  Or because husband and I disagree on a subject that each of us feels passionately about means I married the wrong person.  RIDICULOUS.  These are lies that are so easy to believe and so toxic to both individuals and the marriage covenant.  It will be tough.  There will be conflict.  It's how you handle the conflict and what you do in the midst of the tough that is most important.


4.  Marriage isn't about me.

I think this is the biggest lesson of all.  And I KNOW so many people told me this one.  I just don't think I was really able to wrap my mind or heart around it at the time.  Y'all.  MARRIAGE ISN'T ABOUT ME.  It's not about Trevor and Jess.  It's not about our dreams, our goals, our future family (way, way in the future), our hobbies, or our successes.  Marriage is about Jesus.  It's about the unending love, hope, mercy, grace, friendship, and redemption offered only through Jesus.  The moments in which our marriage is strong and grace is evident point to Jesus, since He's the One to enable us to be strong and to give grace.  The moments in which our marriage is impatient and unforgiving also point to Jesus, as only through Him are we able to become patient and extend forgiveness.  Marriage is such a unique gift and opportunity, not to become experts in an earthly endeavor, but to become more like Christ and point those around us toward Him as well.


These lessons have been a long time coming for me.  I've sat down several times to try and articulate my thoughts and my heart on these matters.  Still, I've rambled, I know.  My apologies.

Maybe you're a newlywed just starting out, or maybe you've been married for 30 years already.  Perhaps you're single and want nothing to do with marriage; or, quite the opposite--you're single and would rather not be.  Whatever your current situation may be, I do hope that there's something useful or comforting--or even humorous--about reading these lessons from a humble newlywed.  I'm only just beginning to learn, but I'm so eager to share my experiences--successes and not-so-successes--in hopes of encouraging others.

Be blessed, friends.

My First Monday at 29 + An Attitude Shift

Well, it's my birthday.  And I feel like that means I should probably blog or something.

To be honest, it hasn't been the greatest day.  What I'm about to tell you is in no way intended to bring about pity or sympathy, but rather to provide a dose of realism and maybe a chuckle or two.

So, let's recap this first day of 29...

-It's a Monday.  Enough said.
-There's a crazy weather situation happening here.  Like cold front meets warm front meets cold front again.  Crazy weather situations mean crazy sinus situations.  Bleh.
-I woke up with a HUGE zit on my forehead.  I wish I was being dramatic.  I've had an ice pack on my face for a good portion of the afternoon.  It would seem that my body has gotten confused about my age and thinks that somehow I need to experience symptoms of adolescence randomly.  Note to body:  I do NOT need those experiences.  
-I came home from work sick.  I'll spare you the details.  As much as I value transparency, some details are still just too much to share.
-Right now, I'm supposed to be at an Army FRG meeting. Not the most idyllic place to spend my birthday evening, but given the choice between being sick and attending an FRG meeting, I'd still choose the FRG.
-Since I'm not at the FRG meeting, that means I'm home alone.  Just because I stayed home sick doesn't mean husband does.  Boo.
-In the midst of me feeling sorry for myself, my dog decided to get sick. Multiple times.  All over the laundry room floor, starting in his kennel first (which he went into by choice, strangely enough).  Poor guy.

I'm frustrated, tired, emotional, and ready for the day to be over.  At multiple points today, I've let myself throw a pity party.  It's been really easy to see the negatives today, to feel overwhelmed and moody.  In the midst of the unpleasantness today, I've been reminded of a couple of valuable truths:

     1.  God is good.
            No matter what.  Period.  End of story.  Even when I don't feel like He is good, He is still good.  He still loves me, pursues me, protects me, provides for me... He is good.

     2.  Things could be so much worse.
            I'm not even going to begin listing the things that comprise the "so much worse" list.

     3.  It's not about me.
            When things don't go my way--particularly personal things like sick days, gargantuan zits, and barfy dogs--it's not necessarily an attack on me personally.  Maybe there was something I would've stood in the way of at work this afternoon.  Maybe I needed a reminder that my flesh isn't my identity or my worth.  Maybe the Lord needed to get me home alone to remind me of His goodness.  Maybe I needed a less-than-stellar day so that all of the friends and family that have showered me with birthday wishes today would be so much more obvious and meaningful to me.  Maybe there's something that the Lord is doing that's bigger and greater than my human eyes can see.  Maybe my birthday shouldn't really be about me, the receiver of life, but rather should serve as an opportunity to recognize the Giver of life.

These three truths tie perfectly together and, if I let them, cause a change of attitude from grief to gratitude.  If I let them.  I have to choose what I focus on.  I have to choose my perspective, which in turn, affects my attitude.

Tonight, I'm choosing to let Truth change my attitude.  Maybe you had a similar Monday.  Or maybe your situation is more like a string of similar Mondays all put together.  And maybe, like me, you just needed a reminder of a few positive truths.  Will you choose to let them--to let Him--change your attitude?

Be encouraged, friend.  There's still hope.  God is still good.

A year in TN + Faithfulness

As of today, it's been exactly one year since I moved to Tennessee.  (Sometimes it feels like I've lived here my whole life, but other times it seems like I'm still settling in.)  Regardless, it's be a whole year.  That's one year since I took the biggest leap I could've imagined.  One year since I left two perfectly good jobs, a comfortable home, an ideal roommate, many close friends, my family, my church family, my favorite coffee shops and shopping stops, and basically everything else familiar.  I left it with no exact knowledge or outline of how things would unfold.  I left for a place where I knew no one--literally, I knew NO ONE since my husband-to-be hadn't even moved to town yet.  I had no job, no prospect of a job, no church home, no friends, no safety net, no clearly defined plan or map to follow...

And look where I am now.

I'm married to a man I couldn't have even dreamed into reality.  I have a great job teaching middle school students.  We belong to a really passionate, inviting, Gospel-sharing church.  I'm making friends.  I know my way around town, or at least to the important places:  Panera, Target, Food Lion, a natural foods store, and Nashville.

My point is this:  God is faithful, and in His faithfulness He is good.

This morning, I was reading Philippians 4.  One verse in particular nearly jumped off the page at me:

"My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory."  Philippians 4:19

Today, of all days, I feel like I am only beginning to learn to trust the Lord.  I've been walking with Him  (or doing my best anyway) for as long as I can remember, yet trust still doesn't always--or even usually--come naturally.  I forget that He is faithful; I forget that He is good.

But He is faithful.  He is good.

I would be lying if I said the last year has been a breeze.  There have been plenty of curves and bumps in the road.  There have been plenty of times when I've shaken my head and thrown a fit out of frustration, out of lack of understanding, out of lack of a plan.  But the truth is that there has been a plan all along.  The Lord has always had a plan; He's always known.

And He still knows.  It's all still unfolding and it's all being held in His hand.  That's such a great reason to trust.  Such a great comfort, such a deep sigh of relief, such a strong spring board for moving forward and trusting for the next step, whatever that may be.

Much is on my heart.  Tomorrow, school starts, and with that comes a whole bunch of new.  New students, new subjects, new lessons, new routines.  Sometime, my husband will deploy.  I'm not sure I really even know how to organize that in my heart/head yet, but it will come eventually.  There are plenty of unknowns, plenty of reasons to freak out.  But there are also plenty of reasons to trust, the best being that He is faithful.  I'm looking back on the last year in gratitude, humbled by the realization that the Lord still hasn't given up on me, but rather, He continually chooses to supply my need, according to His riches and His love and His grace, not mine.  So I will continue to learn to trust, more fully and more freely.

Here's to the next year, whatever the plan and the Planner holds.

We're ENGAGED!

We got engaged this weekend.  And I’m really excited.  And I absolutely cannot wait to spill the details of our proposal.  So, without any further ado…

So, we’re in the process of buying a house.  We found an incredible opportunity to jump in on this house in the middle of the construction process, so we dove right in.  The house sits on a beautiful piece of land backing up to a creek.  We’ve spent the last few weeks planning and preparing and selecting paint colors and really just getting super excited about living in our first home together.  Throughout the process, Trevor has assured me that our engagement would not happen until after we closed on the house.  Financial advisors had recommended not making any major purchases prior to the closing, thus, the bling would have to wait. 

And the joke’s on me.  While that may be substantial advice, it wasn’t relevant in our situation and Trevor, unbeknownst to me, took matters into his own hands entirely.  He bought the ring and made the plans, coordinating details with my sister along the way.  She came to town to visit this week, which was timely, no doubt. 

Friday we had planned to take my sister out and show her the house, then head to Nashville for an evening of music out on the town.  All day my sis had emphasized that she really wanted to see the house in the daylight so that she could take some photos to show our parents.  Little did I know…

We gave the house tour, starting in the basement and working our way upstairs.  As I was taking my sis through the master bedroom—relaying closet organization plans and whatnot—Trevor excused himself.  After much prodding from my sister,—“I’m really hungry.  It’s getting dark.  Let’s go to Nashville.”—I finally wrapped up the tour and headed back to the living room.  We rounded the corner to find Trev down on his knee in front of the fireplace. 

I wish I could say that I handled myself with grace and eloquence in the succeeding moments.  But, I can’t. 

Shock immediately took over and my brain turned to mush.

Turning around to my sister, who by now had her camera out and flashing away, I exclaimed, “This is not happening!  Is this happening?!”  Once she assured me this was, in fact, reality, I did the only natural thing I could think of:  I got down on one knee in front of my man.

Wait… What?!

Yep, like I said…grace, folks.  Oy.

Thankfully, I didn’t stay on my knee for more than a split second before I realized how absolutely absurdly I was behaving.  The next several moments—on my feet—were filled with squeals and gasps and utterances of disbelief.  I think it was probably a solid four minutes before the poor guy even got an opportunity to talk.  (Welcome to the rest of your life, Baby.)

Eventually, I shut up, opened my eyes, and let him talk.  Of course he said sweet things, proclaiming his love and asking for my hand.  I’ll keep the specifics between us; it’s so precious.  And eventually, I responded with a resounding, “YES!”  And eventually he got the ring on my finger. 

And eventually I’ll stop gawking at it…maybe… Actually, probably not. 

Seriously, I have the absolute best fiancé.  He picked out the most stunning ring.  And he planned the perfect proposal.  And he completely and utterly surprised me in the best of ways.  I love that we got to share this part of our story in what will be our first home together.  I absolutely cannot wait to build our life together.  Trevor is, next to my salvation, the greatest gift the Lord has given me.  I don’t even know how to say it any more accurately or emphatically.  I’m completely and totally excited about what the Lord has planned for our lives together. 

So, there you have it.  That is our engagement story.  Hopefully you get a big smile out of it, maybe even a giggle or two.  (I laugh every time I think about it.)  Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing in our journey.

Blessings, friends!

cupcakes with a dash of hope

Today, I baked cupcakes.

Yesterday, I ran...both cardiovascularly and in the errand sense.

But today, I baked cupcakes.  From scratch.  With a stick and a half of butter.

And I licked the batter off of anything and everything that even had a drip of batter on it.  And I don't even feel remotely guilty about it.  Thank you, Martha, for this divine cupcake recipe.  It's so simple, but seriously, it's the best cupcake batter I've ever tasted.  The cupcakes aren't even done yet and I don't care; I'm completely satisfied with the batter alone.

Lately I've had lists galore.  A to-do list for the week, a to-do list for the day, a store list, a job list, a workout list, a meal-planning list, a coupon-searching list.  The only thing lacking is a list of my lists.  No joke.  Sometimes lists can be counterproductive and totally suck the life out of me, robbing me of my joy.  So today, I badly needed a break from all that my lists had to offer.  Alas, in true Type-A form, I couldn't completely steer clear of the list, so I added to it:  bake cupcakes.  On Friday, I will take said cupcakes to my nanny job and turn them into delightful spider leg cupcakes with the little Miss I watch.  I'm sure it will be fun.

I promise this isn't really a post dedicated solely to baking cupcakes.  But it is about what baking cupcakes--and the smell of the cupcakes drifting through my apartment currently--does for my soul.  Sometimes it really is the little things that make a big difference.

In the last few weeks, I've gotten back into more of a regular quiet time routine.  Several months ago, I started journeying through the Gospels, and yesterday I started John.  A new devotional book that a friend gave me has had me rummaging around all throughout the OT and NT, which I've really loved.  There's something about digging in and getting my hands dirty in the soil of the Word that really does restore energy and life and hope.

Today I read about hope.  My devotional took me back through the stories of Ruth and Abraham, then ended with a passage in Romans 5.  This is what hit me so hard.  Check it:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  

Romans 5:1-5

What struck me most today was the last verse:  "Now hope does not disappoint..."

As humans, we're so privy to using phrases like, "I've got my fingers crossed," or "I don't want to get my hopes up."  But why are we so leery of hope?  Of really letting go and believing in confidence?  In reality, the reason we have hope is because of God's love.  And His love for us has already been settled and proved, once and for all.  Therefore, there's no way that hope can disappoint, not if hope is found in Him.  There's really no reason to not get our hopes up, since He is the source of hope.  And so this renewal of hope in my heart brought with it a renewed joy.  Finding joy in the little things makes life so much richer and fuller and it makes me so much more effective as a minister, girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend, etc.

Okay, so I keep trying to draw some deeply spiritual parallel between baking cupcakes and living in hope, but I'm not really coming up with anything.  The bottom line for this post, my thesis, if you will is this:  I love baking and the Lord is so good to give me a hope and a joy that allows me to enjoy even the little things in life.

I hope you'll be encouraged and find hope today.

If I could bring you freshly baked cupcakes, I would.  Just so you know. ;)

A Reaction To Thunder

I’ve had so many thoughts tumbling around my noggin’ lately, yet somehow, I’ve managed to articulate next to zero of them.  It seems that my incessant list making has robbed my brain of nearly every creative cell.  Oy ve.

However, the creativity has somewhat revived through a couple of different events: 
=Helping Trevor house hunt
-Taking on a nanny role

Both of these happenings have revived a part of my heart that had been asleep for quite sometime.  Assisting in the house hunting process resuscitated my love for construction and design.  Yep, the paint samples, carpet swatches, fresh drywall, and unplumbed model homes really do inspire me.  Call me crazy, but the blank canvas of an unfinished home provides an ample amount of creative fuel for me.  

Also, taking care of a little person (a two year old doll, who shall remain nameless out of respect and protection) has already proved to be a source of reflection and introspection, along with satisfying my heart of investing in and teaching others.  

Today I found myself rather overwhelmed at the amount of tasks I needed to accomplish during naptime.  And it rained--actually stormed--in Cville.  For the first time in ages.  Conveniently, during naptime.  Consequently, my stress level elevated with every clap of thunder and the increasing sounds of whimpering coming from the front bedroom.  Pay bills.  Cancel satellite in Spfd house.  Find a new bank.  Transfer insurance policy.  Finish substitute application.  Call Mom.  Write bios for Women’s Retreat.  The list goes on…

Yet, at the first cry from the wee one—I’ll call her ‘Little Miss’—I was crib side, back patting, voice soothing.  And I had no idea what had taken over.  Instinct?  Perhaps.  The thunder ceased momentarily and the whimpers subsided, so back to the crib it was…only to be repeat the cycle twice more over the course of the next twenty minutes.  And so I wound up in the rocker, two-year-old gripping tightly, snuggling to sleep.  All I could think about was the Father’s love.

Only moments before, Little Miss cried from the crib, “Ganger!  Ganger!  Ganger!”  (Translation:  “Thunder!  Thunder!  Thunder!”)  Yet, now she clung tightly, securely, calmly to me and slept peacefully.

And I thought about how often I do the same.  I freak at the sign of the storm, the threatening sounds of thunder.  I panic at the lack of employment, the insufficient funds, the unresolved stressors.  But all I really need is to trust in the arms of Love—to find the place, the Giver, of peace.  And rest.  Rest.    

My, how I struggle with that.  I knew going into this whole life-turned-upside-down-transition mode would be tough.  Among the uncertainties, that was one thing the Lord made clear.  I didn’t, however, anticipate the ways that this would be tough.  So far, the toughest part is the trusting part.  It’s trusting in the midst of the thunder and the rain and the low visibility—that’s the challenge.  But that’s also the reward:  trusting and resting in those arms.

So, what’s my reaction to thunder?  Is it to cry and fear?  Or is it to take advantage of the storm as an opportunity to draw near, to find comfort, to find rest?

What’s your reaction to thunder?

Be blessed, friends.  And find rest.  

Tennessee Adventure: Day 4

So I've lived in Tennessee for a whole four days now.  Whoa.  And I decided that I should probably blog about it.  It seems that, once again, I'm overdue for a blogpost.  This time, I decided to go for a vlog.  Check it out and let me know whatcha think.  :)

(Disclaimer:  I am TERRIBLE at walking whilst carrying my laptop and trying to film.  If you become motion sick easily, be forewarned that this video may induce such illnesses.  Oops..)

So, the video is pretty light-hearted and silly, I know.  But on a deeper level, I wanted to share a few reminders that have been game-changers for me these last few days.  I've fought pity-parties, self-doubt, fear, sadness, frustration, anger, etc.  But that's not where I long to dwell.  Maybe these few reminders can help encourage you, just as they've encouraged me:

1.  Tough isn't bad, tough is just tough.  I repeat:  tough isn't bad, though is just tough.  Say it with me...

2.  His grace is sufficient.  Even when antibiotics aren't.  Even when all I really want is a hug from my momma.  His grace is enough.

3.  Be brave.  It's okay to step out in faith and then mess up.  Nothing says (including  my Creator) that I have to be perfect at this whole moving-to-a-new-state-getting-a-new-job-and-making-new-friends business.  Whew.  That's a relief.  Because I don't have to be perfect means that I can be brave.

4.  He does have a plan.  It may not be my plan and it may not happen in my timing.  But He does have a plan.  I can trust that.

5.  People are just people.  Why did I think that people would be ogres in Tennessee?  They're really no different than MO...other than the accents and extra-poofy hair.  Oh, and the fried food!  Do you know how difficult it was to find unbreaded ANYthing in the freezer section at the grocery store?!  Yikes.

6.  God is in control.  He hasn't brought me here to fall on my face, and if He has, then it's going to be for His glory.  But, really, what are the odds that He's really going to bring me to a point of total trust and then abandon me entirely?  Yeah, not likely even in the least.  He's too good for that.

And, so, there ya have it: a little bit of depth from this scattered brain/heart.  Thanks for reading.  Oh!  And thanks for watching my vlog.  :)


Be encouraged, friends.

Crazy little thing called "Love"

The crazy thing about love is that it really does hit you when you're not looking for it.  It just smacks you in the face and changes everything.  In the best way, of course.

Right about the time I thought my life was totally complete and I was more than comfortable looking out for myself and myself only, December 29, 2012 happened.

Just a month earlier, I'd agreed to go on [yet another] blind date.  What could it hurt, right?  On date day, I was less than enthusiastic about my prearranged outing.  (We'll just blame it on the nerves.)  I had totally psyched myself up for rejection.  This guy was an accomplished West Point graduate, currently in the midst of his Special Forces training.  Why would someone so adventurous and exciting be even remotely interested in me?  I diagram sentences for fun.  I wanted so badly to bail and save myself from what I knew would be imminent rejection.

But I didn't.  I'd made the commitment at New Year's that 2012 would be the year of "yes" for me.  Whatever door the Lord opened in front of me, I would enter.  No more letting fear hold me back.  I can't even begin to explain to you how glad I am that I made that commitment, and how glad I am that the Lord held me to it.  I could have missed an incredible opportunity--and an even more incredible guy--just because of a silly little fear.

Anyway, the course of events that ensued once I talked myself up into hopping in my Jeep included ice skating, a super smooth wipe-out during said ice skating, dinner, driving/walking around downtown, etc.  And it just so happened to be followed by a second date the next afternoon, just before he had to head back to North Carolina.

Then came the phone calls..

Followed by more phone calls.

Spring break approached and was greeted by plane tickets to North Carolina with my name on them.

Easter brought a certain boy from North Carolina and an introduction to my parents.

Then a few more phone calls...

Hopefully you get the picture: my world has been changed by a crazy little thing called love.

Trevor has been a huge blessing in my life.  He's an incredible friend; more thoughtful and encouraging than I could have imagined.  From the very beginning, I knew there was something different about him.    He challenges me and balances me.  He pursues me.  He's smart, determined, funny, strong, and a man of great faith and integrity.  I could continue, but either I'll cry or you'll puke, so I'll let up.

All of that said, I find myself in the midst of a pretty crazy adventure currently--one that I definitely didn't have on my agenda, but one that is surpassing my expectations entirely.  As of the beginning of August, I'll be relocating to Clarksville, Tennessee, which is just outside where Trevor will be posted when he graduates in August.  I'm blown away by how the Lord has already opened doors and is continuing to do so.  He is so faithful, and I'm excited to experience more of His faithfulness and goodness on this new ride!

Of all the emotions I'm experiencing in light of the huge transition happening in my life, I think gratitude is the most overwhelming.  If I have learned nothing else in the last six months, I have learned of God's goodness and grace, two qualities that I can neither possess nor deserve on my own.  He is so good.  And I am so grateful.

Also, I might just be a little bit excited about this whole thing.. :)

Stay tuned for more details!

Love Bug

This month, I had the privilege of writing and teaching a couple of lessons for a Wednesday night series with rbcstudents entitled, "Love Bug."  Darling, right?  I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED getting to sink my teeth into a good research/writing/teaching assignment.  Nerdy?  Perhaps.  But I honestly don't care.  I've had people ask for my notes from those sessions, so I thought I'd post them here, with the hopes that they might be an encouragement to just the right person, at just the right time.  

So, without further ado...

midweek :: Love Bug :: week 1

“True Love”:: 1 John 4:7-19

-Have you ever been in love?  With whom? 

-How did you feel?  How did you know you were in love?

 

That’s great and all.  But so much of our world is focused on a superficial love, a love that happens merely between two people.  What I want to talk with you about over the next couple of weeks is a real love—a true love; a love that comes only in and through our Creator.

 

So, let’s begin by taking a look at what love really is.  You may have your preconceived notions of what love is and what love means.  But for the next two weeks, I’d like you to join me in looking at love and learning about love with a fresh perspective.  I’d like for you to hear about love as if for the first time, forgetting misconceptions you may have and misrepresentations you may have experienced.

 

I’ve got to be honest:  Love is something I’ve completely struggled with in my life.  And I don’t mean just romantically.  I mean that it’s so difficult for me to wrap my mind around the fact that God is a God of love, that He loves me, fully, completely, unconditionally.  And even now, I struggle to get it all the way, or even a little, really.  But I’ve got to tell you, recently, I started praying and asking God to help me fall in love with Him, to help me see His love for me.  And it’s been absolutely amazing.  So I want to share it with you.  I truly believe that if and when we can come into an understanding of what Love really is and how it really does apply to us, I believe it will transform our lives. 

 

Pray, asking the Lord to make Himself known to us as LOVE, opening our hearts and minds to His truth and His creation of love, nothing less.

 

What is love?

 

Read 1 John 4:7-19. 

 

Let’s break it down.

1. God is love.  Vs. 16

a. Love does not describe the fullness of God, but God defines the fullness of love.

2. Love is a dwelling place.  Vs.  16

a. Abide:  to remain, to continue, to stay; to dwell, to live in; to put up with; to accept without opposition or question; to submit to or agree to. 

b. As a Christian, a Believer in Christ, we live within the sphere of God’s love.  That love is something that we both experience and express. 

c. Romans 8:37-39.  Nothing can shake us from the sphere of God’s love.  Why?  Because God is Love and if we abide in Him, we abide in love. 

3. Love is a haven.

a. Haven:  any place of shelter or safety.

b. Perfect love CASTS OUT fear.  Vs.18-19

c. Cast out:  to throw or expel with violence or force; to reject or dismiss; to shed or drop.

d. Favorite definition:  “to throw or expel with violence or force.”  Love is fierce.  It is not quiet or timid; it is PROTECTIVE, which is why we can dwell there safely.  God’s Love does not diminish or fade; it protects and shelters us.  And therefore, there is NO ROOM FOR FEAR in God’s perfect love. 

e. Illustration:  Remember when you were a kid and you had a bad dream in the night?  What did you do?  Call out to mom and dad, maybe in extreme cases, go and sleep in their room.  Why?  There was safety and protection in their love and in their arms.  That’s such a beautiful picture of a small scale of what God is like with us.  His love is so much greater than our parents’ and if we could place so much trust in them as a haven here on earth, how much more trust could we place in our Creator and Protector, our ultimate Lover? 

f.   Think about your greatest fears or even daily fears for a moment.  One amazing fact about God/Love is that there is NO room for fear in Love.  Perfect Love casts OUT fear.  It offers us acceptance, confidence, companionship, security, truth, loyalty, hope, etc.  That is SO important for us to recognize, believe, and trust.  In love, we don’t have to fear.

g. A mature understanding of God’s love removes any fear of God’s judgment. A person who abides in God’s love will not be ashamed when Jesus returns. 

        i. How is that possible?  How does that make sense? 

4. Love is death on a cross.  Vs. 9-10

     a. Jumping back up a few verses…

     b.This is the ultimate culmination of love:  God made Himself enter the world in the form of man.  He lived  

      perfectly; He loved perfectly.  And then He died IN OUR PLACE. 

     c. Propitiate:  to make favorably inclined; to appease. 

     d. Propitiation:  He took our place.  He made it possible for us to be loved.  By Jesus dying on the cross, we are pardoned, or excused.  Because of that act of love, when God looks on us, He sees Christ.  2 Corinthians 5:21 says that we are the righteousness of Christ.  Why?  How?  Because He is love. And we get to experience that Love.  We get to DWELL in that Love.  We get to TRUST that Love. 

 

Are you overwhelmed yet?  I am.  This is true Love. 

 

In case I haven’t done a good enough job of expressing it to you tonight, I want you to listen to this song.  This is one that has shown me so much over the last couple of months.  It says so much about God as love and how He sees us and uses us. 

 

If, tonight, you haven’t ever experienced Love, if you’ve never met Love, would you come talk with me tonight?  I’d love to pray with you.  I’m praying now, and have been praying already, that the Holy Spirit would be drawing you into an encounter with Love tonight. 

 

Close your eyes and listen to True Love.

 

Play “Beauty for These Ashes” by The Great Exchange. 

 **By the way, HUGE props to The Great Exchange for their recent album release.  It is a stellar piece of work and I highly recommend checking them out:  http://www.thegreatexchangeband.com/  

 

midweek :: Love Bug :: week 2

“In Love”:: 1 John 4:7-10 :: 1 Corinthians 13

Recap last week. 

-We talked about what “True Love” was and what that looked like.  

4 Things about Love

1. God is love. 

-Remember:  Love does not describe the fullness of God, but God defines the fullness of love.

2.  Love is a dwelling place. 

3.  Love is a haven.  

4.  Love is death on a cross.  

 

What is Love?  How is your idea of Love different this week than it was last week?

What have you learned about Love?  Have you experienced TRUE Love? 

 

Now that we know what TRUE Love looks like, let’s take a look at how it plays out in our lives.  I’ve titled tonight’s message, “In Love.”  That’s a phrase that gets tossed around so often.  I wish I could count the number of times that I see people post things, whether on Twitter or on Facebook or on Instagram, about how “in love they are with this boy/girl” or how “in love they are with this band/tv show/celebrity/movie/etc.”  And I just think, “You’re ‘in love’ with ___________?!  That must be a satisfying and fulfilling relationship.”

 

All joking aside, being in love is a serious matter.  As believers, we are called to be in love with Christ, with our Creator.  And beyond that, we are called to be in love as we live our lives.  We were created to LIVE in love.

 

Tonight we’re going to be looking at a passage that is probably very familiar to most, if not all, of you.  It’s often read at weddings, posted around homes, quoted in song lyrics, etc.  Tonight, my prayer is that your eyes, both physical and spiritual, would be open to the Truth and to the contextual meaning of what God’s Word says in this particular passage. 

 

Take a look at 1 Corinthians 13 with me.

 

Pray.

 

What do you naturally think of when you think of 1 Corinthians 13?

 

Check out 1 Corinthians 12 and 1 Corinthians 14.  What do those headings read in your Bible?

 

1 Corinthians 13 is sandwiched in between two chapters that talk specifically about the Body of Christ, the Church.  It’s no coincidence that this chapter detailing how we ought to show love to one another is stuck right between two chapters about relationships between the Body.  LOVE is what binds us together, it’s what connects us.  In fact, when Paul wrote this letter to the Corinthians, he didn’t break it up into chapters or into verses; it was one continuous letter.  (A fairly lengthy one, I might add.)  But Paul intended for the believers in Corinth to apply it to their relationships among one another. 1 Corinthians 13 is a guide for us to use as we struggle with and wrestle through the mess of relationships here on earth.

I submit to you tonight that 1 Corinthians 13 describes the way we treat others when we are 

love.  

So then, what does it look like to be “in love”?  Let’s break down that phrase.

In:  located or situated within; inner; internal; well-liked; included; inward; plentiful; available.

Love:  Recapping last week’s lessons, we learned in 1 John 4 that God Love.  So if we are in Love, then we are in Christ.  

Now, if we are talking about love as an action, love as a feeling, love as a tangibility in our daily lives, then there are a few different types of love that we could consider.  Love is a by-product of

 

Different kinds of love

Eros:  physical sexual desire and not much else

Philos:  suggests esteem and affection found in casual friendship

Agape:  Describes a love based on the deliberate choice of the one who loves, rather than on the worth of the one who is loved.

Agape is the kind of love that Paul is talking about in 1 Corinthians 13.  

 

Check yourself:  Are you in love?

Illustration:  Use a box with the word “Love” written on it.  If I’m in the box, then everything I do, say, think, feel, etc. has to go through love before it comes out.  If I abide in Love, then my actions, reactions, attitudes, etc. will align with the characteristics in 1 Corinthians 13.

To be in love is not merely a state of being or a description of our affections; rather, it is a constant choice of motivation and operation.  

Are you acting with the motive of love?

Are you following through with the actions, words, etc. that show that you are 

Love?

Galatians 5:22-23 gives us the fruits of the Spirit.  What’s the first one mentioned?  Love. 

How we display love is a direct reflection of where we abide and what state we’re in.  

Check yourself:  How well do you exhibit the attributes of love?  

As I read back through 1 Corinthians 13, I want you to consider each of these characteristics of love.  On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, how would you rate yourself on each characteristic?

Long-suffering/patience

kindness

not envying

not boasting or parading itself around

not behaving rudely

not self-seeking

is not provoked

thinks no evil--thinks positive or encouraging

does not rejoice in sin

rejoices in truth

bears all things (hold up or support)

believes all things

hopes all things

endures all things

Tonight I want you to spend some time with the Lord, considering and searching your heart in relation to this whole idea of being 

love.  Where do you stand?  If you rated yourself low on any of those categories from 1 Corinthians 13, chances are you may be walking around out of love.  You may have an arm or a leg hanging out, uncovered and unabiding in love.  

My challenge to you tonight:  Be in love.  Let Him cover you.  Let Him be your dwelling place so that your words, your attitudes, your actions are a direct reflection of Him, of love.  If you’ve never encountered True Love, tonight is the perfect time to meet.  And I would love to introduce you.  

Pray. 

2013: Who I Want to Be

Yikes, it's 2013.  How did that happen?  I know it's cliche to say, but it's so true:  it seems like the older I get, the faster time passes.  And I don't like it.  Not one bit.  Along with everyone and his or her brother, I've been doing some reflecting over the last year or so.  So much happened in 2012.  Some things I will treasure forever; others I'd rather just forget.

A few highlights from 2012...
NYC missions/ESL classes, CAMP 2012, OGM Mission Conference in Ecuador, visiting the Equator, Stone family vacay to South Carolina, taking a teaching job, and surviving my first semester of teaching.

As I've looked ahead to 2013 and tried to begin setting my goals, I've hit a brick wall of sorts.  I keep trying to figure out things I'd like to do or marks I'd like to reach, but none of it is really doing it for me.  There isn't anything that I really want to DO in 2013, at least nothing I can put my finger on.  So instead of focusing on what I'd like to do, I've decided to set some goals for who I want to BE, and then let those aspirations mold and shape my actions.

I once had a friend that consistently reminded me, "Jessica, we are called 'human beings' and not 'human doings' for a reason."  She so well knew my tendencies for striving, and not just striving, but striving for perfection in all that I do.  That can be a lot of pressure, especially when it's self-imposed.  So, this year, instead of putting together a list of things I may or may not do and then feel discouraged about later, I'm going to focus my energy on who I'm becoming.

I'm wrestling deeply with the question, "What kind of person do I want to be?"
And here are my answers so far:

1.  I want to be generous--with my time, money, gifts, energy, love, patience.
2.  I want to be fit and healthy.
3.  I want to be a person of integrity.
4.  I want to be filled with joy.
5.  I want to be a person that knows God deeply and follows Him fully, no matter the cost.
6.  I want be full of compassion and empty of judgment.
7.  I want to be truthful and transparent in the way I live.
8.  I want to be confident.
9.  I want to be obedient.
10.  I want to be strong.
11.  I want to be a person who values the input of others, but that does not waver in what I know to be true.
12.  I want to be a person that values others more than myself.
13.  I want to be a person that prays, diligently and deeply.
14.  I want to be a person that trusts, even when there's no reason to.
15.  I want to be bold, not backing down from a challenge or obstacle.
16.  I want to have faith, faith that can move mountains, faith that can bridge the gap.
17.  I want to be respectful, regardless of my opinions and assessments of others.
18.  I want to be a giver, not a taker.
19.  I want to be free, not caught up in superficial or legalistic limitations, but free to worship, free to love.
20.  I want to be a kind person, one that takes the time to show love and goodness through a simple act.
21.  I want to be a fighter, standing strong for what I believe and for those that I love.
22.  I want to be a pianist again.
23.  I want to be an encourager, not a naysayer or a Debbie Downer.
24.  I want to be creative.
25.  I want to be a problem-solver, not a problem-creator.
26.  I want to be a lover.
27.  I want to be loyal.  Period.  End of story.
28.  I want to be gracious, allowing others the freedom to be and become, without penalty.

And what about you, who is it that you want to be?  Before you decide what it is you want to do, would you consider what you want to be?  Would you let that then motivate and inspire you, let who you are and who you're becoming be the driving force behind your actions, and not the other way around?  Be brave.

Happy 2013 to you!

making shoes and being faithful

Over the last few years, my interest in missions outside of the US has grown considerably.  Not only that, but my willingness to consider spending a portion (or all, I guess) of my life outside of the U.S. has also increased...and drastically.  In fact, for the last several months, I've wrestled with and prayed about the possibility of teaching abroad, be it at a missionary school or otherwise.  And it's honestly grown to become something that I am excited about the potential of.

But I have no idea if that is something that the Lord has in store for me, or if it's a man, er, woman made idea.

And so I've prayed.  And I've researched.  And I've begun talking to people.  And I haven't gained any clarity.  In fact, God's been [seemingly] pretty silent on the matter.

Tonight, when the opportunity arose to attend a "Night of Justice" at church and hear a representative from the International Justice Mission speak, I jumped.  I really wanted to know about opportunities to get involved with loving people in tangible ways and spreading the Gospel around the world.  I thought maybe hearing about the heart and passion of IJM would spark some sort of revelation for me.  Alas, it did not.  I was moved, of course, by the stories and by the statistics and by the outrageous injustice committed across the world, and of course, by the majority of the world's blind eye and deaf ear.  But a revelation did not happen.

After the event, I had the opportunity to talk individually with the speaker from IJM.  I explained briefly my situation and my desire to figure out the next step for my life.  I intend to remember exactly what he said to me.

"Be faithful to the task set before you.  Don't treat your current situation as merely a stepping stone."

He then told the story of a man whose primary occupation was making shoes.  Sure, making shoes wasn't so glamorous, and perhaps it wasn't even desirable or enjoyable.  But shoe-making is what this man had been called to do.  And he did it with all his heart, serving the Lord every step of the way.  He was faithful to the task set before him.

I'm not sure which part was more staggering, the fact that his words caught me so off guard, or the fact that I knew instantly that his words were so true and exactly what I needed to hear.

Immediately, I was convicted.  It's not that I don't give my best to the kids that I teach.  But I have been viewing this as merely a season; something to get through, but not necessarily something to prosper in.  Sure, I've seen ministry opportunities woven throughout, but I haven't necessarily been treating my job as my current calling.  I've totally viewed it as a stepping stone, as a means of making it from point A to point B.  And that totally robs those around me from experiencing so much.  So it's time for me to make a shift.  It's time to zoom in on the task at hand and work at it with all my might.  Period.  No goals of "passing the test" or "getting through" in mind.  That doesn't mean that I will discontinue praying about my future, but it does mean that it cannot be my priority.  The Lord has always been so faithful, the very least I can do is be faithful to Him, even if it required making shoes.

What about you?  Is there something the Lord has set before you right now?  Will you be faithful to His call in your life currently, without worrying about future plans?

Going.

About a year ago, I decided I was done with ministry.  I was pretty beat up and bruised, and I was more than ready to throw in the towel.  At the same time, I still loved my job.  I loved speaking truth, hanging out with students, and learning from some spiritually solid people.  But I felt so trapped.  And inadequate and so overly tired of giving endlessly...not just to people but to the Lord.

I was done.

But the Lord was not.  He made it so clear to me that I needed to press on and dig deep.  And so I did.  Until Christmas.  And then I started planning again to leave, to 'get out' of ministry.  I wanted to live my own life and do my own thing without letting anyone else down and definitely without being held to a higher standard.  I wanted my own way.

I began applying for jobs..endlessly, it seemed.  I had a really great interview, which I thought was my ticket out, my pass on to my own path.  And then I waited...3 months before I heard anything.  Then there was a second interview.  And then there was the rejection phone call.

Throughout the journey between the two interviews (for the same position), I constantly struggled to determine what God's will was and if I was really willing to follow it.  After I didn't get the job, and didn't receive a single call from ANY other school to which I applied, I quickly understood that God did NOT want me leaving ministry.  After throwing an initial temper tantrum, I dried up my tears, resolved to dig in to ministry even deeper and more wholeheartedly than I ever had before, and committed to following Christ and His will over my own.  Yes, I've made this commitment a million times, but somehow, at various twists and turns along the way, it seems that I continually come to a crossroads of "my will vs. Thy will".

That was the beginning of May.  May, June, and July were 3 of the best months of my life.  I dove into student ministry full-force again, refreshed, renewed, and strengthened.  I loved every minute of it.  Project Springfield.  Girls Bible Study.  Summer Interns.  New York.  CAMP.  Ecuador.

And then I got a call from the principal with whom I'd interviewed in May.  He offered me a job and said he didn't want anyone else.  Initially, I didn't want to talk with him.  I didn't want to hear what he had to say because I was happy.  Content.  Satisfied.  And I didn't want anything to rock the boat.  Per the advice of a wise friend, I listened to the principal's offer.  And I prayed.  Hard.  Before I even ended that first phone call with him, I knew the Lord was stirring something in my heart.  I knew He was calling me to something new.  But I wasn't sure if I wanted it.

Thankfully, the lesson I learned from December through May hadn't left me yet.  And this time I knew better than to go with my will.  I hit my face before the Lord and asked for wisdom.  I had a tough choice to make:  stay or go.

The clearest message I got was that it was time for me to go.  A year ago, I wanted to leave.  I was running hard core.  And He wouldn't let me go.  As many times as I shook my fist at Him and begged for Him to let go of me, He never did.  He never has.  I'm convinced He never will.  But in late July, He called me not to leave, but to go.  See, taking a new job now was not me getting out of ministry.  It wasn't running from something; it is diving deeper into the ministry that He's set before me.  It's going out into the world and shining some light.  It's putting on my armor and getting in the trenches.  For me, it's going deeper into ministry.  It's further accepting His call.

I think it's so crazy that the Lord knows the condition of our hearts at each step along the way.  He knows when the right time is to move us, to stretch us, to test us, to push us.. And He doesn't act as we think He ought.  He doesn't call when we see fit.  He moves, acts, calls, etc., according to His timing and His plan.  And He's got it worked out better than I ever could.  I'm not saying that my life is perfect now, or that I feel one hundred percent satisfied, or that I don't have moments of frustration or fear--I have all of those and more.  But I do know that a long time ago I placed my trust in hands much greater than my own.  Those hands have not failed me yet, and so I'm continuing to place my whole life in His hands DAILY (sometimes hourly), and I'm believing that He will continue to lead me.

And that, my friends, is why I changed jobs.  Not because I in my flesh wanted to, not because I was running from ministry, and certainly not because I was wounded and defeated; but, rather, because He said, "Go!"

What is the Lord calling you to right now?  How will you respond?  

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

Tick-Tock vs. Trust

I've finally accepted the fact that I'm a haphazard blogger.  And by haphazard I mean completely sporadic and quite often overly dramatic.  Since I'm accepting that fact, I'm relinquishing myself from guilt and unnecessary introductions on each new post...beginning next time. This time, I just have to say that I hate that I don't make time to write.  I hate how my writing seems to deteriorate when I don't do it.  And I hate that it's such an outlet for me, yet when I don't write for long periods of time, the act becomes so laborious.  Ugh.  And so I'm forcing myself to write...hopefully it won't be a complete disaster.

They say, "Timing is everything."

Jesus is everything.  Duh.  But part of the brilliance of Jesus being everything is that He holds time in His hand.  I have a horrible tendency to pray for God's plan, and then to obsess over it every step of the way.  "Is this the right door?"  "Is this the right time?"  Ugh, I obsess over knowing the right thing and doing the right thing, at the right time.  Sometimes it feels as if a perpetual alarm clock resides inside my head/heart:  "Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock!"  Talk about inducing anxiety.  My continual struggle is whether or not to give in to the clock and become alarmed (ha) about my quickly passing time and opportunities, or to trust that it's all going to work out.  Can you guess which one I give in to more often?  Erg.  Anyway, I've been learning a little bit about timing lately, both from experience and conversations with people much wiser than myself.  

Two lessons I've been learning lately about timing and God's will.

1) Seeking His perfect timing or will or plan or whatever must not replace seeking Him.

and 

2) His timing really is perfect.

Time for a story.  Recently I found myself annoyed on a Wednesday night.  A student's ride was abnormally late and I was abnormally irritable, tired, and altogether ready to be home.  (None of that is the fault of the student, by the way.)  I was antsy, to say the least.  When, at last, it came time to go home, as I pulled onto Republic Road, I spotted what seemed to be a teenage girl walking along the road, carrying multiple bags.  As I got closer, I recognized her.  I drove past and immediately felt compelled to stop.  Notice I said I drove past...  After only a few seconds of arguing with myself--I was tired, it was late, I wasn't completely positive that I knew who she was--I made a u-turn, swung my Jeep into the Catholic church parking lot, and called out to her.  Thankfully, she recognized me too.  I would've hated to be a creeper.  I offered her a ride and she accepted.  I was so excited to chat with her.  She's attended RBC only twice, by "happenstance."  And, ironically (ha), I'd been thinking of her just recently.  I would never have dreamt that I'd unexpectedly run into her late one Wednesday night, particularly on an evening that I was so eager to be home.

I wonder how often I get so eager about my plans and miss out on His plans, on Him.  Just a thought...

The good news, in my struggle for figuring out timing and plans and such is that I don't really have to figure out any of it.  Because He's got it together, I don't have to worry about it.  The waiting isn't going to be too long.  I'm not going to miss out on Him.  I'm not going to miss out on His plans.  But I am going to miss out on a lot of beauty by continually obsessing over the details.

I've found that my obsession with figuring out everything in my life is really rooted in fear... There's quite a bit to be said about that, but we'll elaborate another time.  For now, I'm finding comfort in these words:

"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear..."    1 John 4:18


And so it's time to say goodbye to the obsession and planning and the fear that triggers it all; time to throw it all out the door and give into Him.

Perhaps you've got a plan to throw out the window too.  Perhaps you need to stop obsessing and planning and worrying as well.  Don't be afraid; just step out in faith.

21 years ago today

...my existence as an only child completely shattered.  Yep, that's right:  my sister was born.  And today she turns 21.  Holy moley, where has the time gone?!  Since this is her big day, I thought I'd dedicate a blog post to her.  I'm sure she'll be so thrilled. (HA!)  :)

My sister is definitely one of my favorite people.  Let's be honest, I don't say that about a lot of people.  And if I'm being even more honest, she might just be my favorite person.  Yes, I'm seeping total sister sap.

From her beauty, to her poise, to her persistence, my sister is someone I maintain utmost respect for.  Despite the fact that we couldn't be more different in a some ways, she is someone I admire so much.  No matter the cost, my sister stands her ground.  When other people pressure her to sway, sway she does not.  Simply said, she is who she is, no matter the crowd.

Growing up, there was rarely a dull moment as long as my sister was around.  Between babysitting kids running around, me throwing an emotional teenage tyrade, and dad cheering heart and soul for losing teams, my sister has always provided a source of laughter.  Barbie photo shoots.  Steve Urkel impressions.  Imaginary friend phone calls, sleepovers, and Dairy Queen trips.  She's never been shy and she's never hesitated to put herself on the line in the name of comedy.

We've had some crazy times together, and I know we'll have plenty more.  We've fought and screamed and exchanged our share of hurtful words.  We've also laughed and shared secrets that we don't share with others.  Ever.  If I know anything, I know that nothing will change our relationship.

Happy 21, LA.  I'm really proud to call you my sister.

learning to listen

I love getting new music.  LOVE it.  But I'm not always so great at seeking out new jams.  Therefore, I thoroughly appreciate the fact that the guys I work with are nearly constantly playing new tunes.  Today my boss shared Bethel's newest album with me in preparation for a roadtrip that I ended up not endeavoring...

I had planned to take off for good ol' Nebraska this afternoon with my mom for a quick trip to visit Grandma.  And take off we did.  However, my digestive system seemed to have other plans, and thus I did not last long at all on the road.  In all honesty, I made it to the McDonald's not even 2 miles from my house, at which point I realized I had no business attempting a 6 hour car ride today.  I was feeling overly stressed about making the trek and I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that I was making the wrong choice. From the moment my mom mentioned the idea to me a couple of weeks ago, I knew I shouldn't go, but I let my desire and logic win and proceeded accordingly.  Over the last couple of weeks, I've sensed the Lord calling to me, inviting me to Himself.

And what have I done?

Nothing.  Well, actually, that's a lie.  I've done the opposite of nothing.  I've continued about scurrying here and there, working, meeting with students, running errands, painting cabinet doors, fitting in extra workouts, cooking unnecessarily...

...and NOT meeting with the Lord.

Confession:  I have a listening problem.

It took the wrath of some wicked stomach pains for me to finally listen to--not just hear--the Lord.

"Come away."

And so this afternoon, I snuggled into my bed, opened my window, and just breathed in the presence of the Lord, just listened to Him.  No TV.  No music.  No distractions.  It was exactly what I needed.

I'm learning to listen.  He knows exactly what I need, and He tells us, if we'll only listen.  And speaking of listening... That music that Nate shared with me earlier today made its way onto my iPod and into my ears and heart this evening.  I really can't even begin to express how life-changing the lyrics on this album are.  You should definitely check it out.  Also, you should listen.  Take time today to stop and allow the Lord to quiet you.  In that quiet, see what He has, what He says.  I promise you won't be disappointed.

Listen to this message, friends, and come to Him.

once again

I find myself feeling remorseful over my lack of blogging of late.  As seems to be the trend lately, it's not that I have nothing to say, it just seems that I don't have the words to say it.  In fact, I'm not really sure why I'm writing currently, other than the fact that I had the urge to at least get some words on the screen.

So, here I am...  attempting to blog.

And failing...ha.

I guess I could update you on my current situation in life.

It seems I've hit my midlife brain breakdown rather early in life.  I've been forgetting/losing/misplacing things left and right lately.  Seriously, that's not okay for an OCDer like myself.  I find it rather difficult to rest at night when I have loose ends left untied.  Example:  my glasses.  I set them down at church on Sunday afternoon, but I can't remember where.  And I can't find them anywhere.  Nor has anyone on staff, any of our students, or any of the cleaning crew stumbled upon them.

All of this leads me to believe one thing:  there is a mouse out there looking quite intelligent and studious in my specs.

Thankfully, I had just visited the optometrist last Friday and ordered a new pair of frames.  Then Sunday happened... Can we say ironic?  Gratefully, my new glasses arrived yesterday and I am so so so loving them!

Let me take a minute to draw a spiritual application from this situation.

For some reason, the Lord seems to use lesson after lesson in my life to show me His faithfulness.  The glasses situation is yet another reminder that He is faithful and He is in control.  People say that God doesn't care about the details, the little things--that He has way bigger things to worry about; but I refuse to give into that idea.  I KNOW, based on irrefutable evidence time and time again in my own life, that He does care.  That even the "silly little things" are not out of His reach, nor His focus.

This week, a friend reminded me of an entirely necessary passage.
1 Peter 5:6-7 says, "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."

It's my understanding that God's care doesn't just stop after the cut off of "big things"--illness, financial issues, family stress, death, etc.  Rather than specifying these things, Scripture says, "He cares for YOU."  I find such comfort in that.  I will definitely attest to the humbling that is mentioned in the first part of verse 6.  Feeling like I'm losing my mind definitely has a way of humbling me.  But that's exactly the point.  When I get to the spot of being humbled, and understanding that I can't find it/figure it out/make it happen, that's when I finally cry out to the Lord.  And He's right there, ready to take my junk and show His care for me.

That is amazing grace, my friends.  And that is a small taste of what I've been experiencing lately, even in the midst of losing my mind.

He cares.
And He is faithful.

May you experience His care and faithfulness today.

hair and relationships

So my friend Lindsay texted me last night, asking if I could help with some wedding hair today.  And of course I said yes.  Really, who's gonna say no at a chance to play beauty salon?!   Seriously, it was so much fun!  The girls were great to work with and the bride was so laid back.  All beauties.

As I was pinning one girl's hair, we started talking about the correlation between hair and relationships.  First it was accidental.  Here's how our conversation transpired (more or less):

Me:  "So what are we thinking style-wise?"

Emily:  "I don't really care.  Just something laid back and loose."

Me:  "Ok, I'm thinking...[whilst pinning]I want you to come over here...There we go." 

Emily:  "What?  Oh I thought you were saying that was the hairstyle we were going for."

And so we began talking about various styles of hair and their messages.

Ahem..without further a-'do, our hairstyle communication
The "I want you to come over here" style.
      Loosely pinned up with delicate and unpretentious wisps pulled down around the face.

The "Please stay" style.
      Similar to the "I want you to come over here" style, only including some sort of twirling of the hair around
      the fingers.

The "I want you to stay there" style.
      Hair is tightly pulled back, either all up, or half-up, causing tension through the brow and temple, creating
      a tense, unwelcoming look.

The "I really hate what you're doing right now" style.
      Much like the "I want you to stay there" style, but somewhere along the way, a hair flip is completed,
      perhaps in conjunction with an eye roll.

The "I am completely oblivious to anyone around me...or at least I want you to think that" style.
      Hair is down and tousled or up in a messy-ish bun.   Totally unassuming appearing.

And there ya have it.  Communication through hairstyles.  Now that I know it's so easy, I'm going to begin communicating this way.  Be aware.  Also, I'm sure there are many, many more styles that could clearly and accurately convey specific messages; however, my creativity is exhausted at this point.

And so I'll close with some pics from my hairstyling escapade today.  Enjoy.

The lovely bridesmaids

Their hairs

Lindsay, me, Amber.  I'm lacking an LBD ;)